I'll Take What's Behind Door Number 3 #8

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Tuff and Ats. I'm sorry you find yourselves here. I do appreciate your kind words. It's not always a party is it? A year ago if I had read these stories , I would think "that's impossible. No way could a spouse or SO act or say that." Very valuable lesson learned.

I'm not always positive. I think I've just accepted this sitch. It doesn't make sense but I realize that is pointless to expend energy on trying to logically piece this together. That crazy logic. As Job says, I do think the answers will come one day.

I follow many sitches on here and they are unique, yet the script is pretty much the same. I did a pretty good job DBing while my h was on the house post BD. I took the things that bothered him and did a 180. For example, he said he hated it when I asked about work because I just thought he was going to get fired. (He has been fired from every job he's had since we were married).i no longer ask about work. Plus, his boss is having an affair with one of the employees and all of the other worked except for owner are in their20s. He took all of their advice so not much to discuss there. He said I doubted his word. He was having an EA at the time so I never have mentioned OW who he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with to a friend. We used to discuss family. He hasn't spoken to his parents since Jan so that topic is moot. He said he hated that I didn't intervene when kids were being difficult. No 180 on that. He left so his relationship with them is his own. He said I put the kids first. Totally true. However, my kids were blindsided by this so they need me. I cannot not focus on them now. This totally rocked their world. Plus he would never do anything with is as he would view it as cheating on OW. He has asked about kids 3 times. Once he asked what s4 was doing (his buddy) and the other 2 times he asked kids to call him. We used to share photos and funnies about kids. He cut photo stream when he moved out so I don't share pics or stories. He has only done one thing around the house since moving out. The toilet overflowed and he put towels down. I thanked him for doing so and he tweeted (I still checked then) that this was part of why he left and he was happy to be done with this. Also, we did have a SSM. Not much to do with OW.

The last conversation we had was at Starbucks when he stated that part of the reason our M failed was that we didn't have enough joint assets. I failed DB miserably and said. "Looks like that was the right decision." We have a house with no equity anc lots of issues and 2 cars. That's it. Not wealthy by any means. I hope I don't sound defeatist, however at that point I just decided to let him be. I'm still cordial and am polite in correspondence. Typical of our m, I paid to file and have done the leg work. I thought about letting him handle that as that would have been a 180. Doesn't really matter. He told mutual acquaintances we were divorced back in spring and others that I was dragging the D out. I'm happy to have a good sense of humor.

I never thought he would behave the way he has. That's why I decide to just let him walk this journey. I hope I don't sound like I didn't live my h- I did very much. I just have to let him be. I have zero control over him. I spent a great deal of our m trying to fix and offering up solutions. He always said, "if he did x, then I would have to do y." In my mind, I was trying to help him do what *made him happy.* Nada.

This whole experience has been an eye opener. I was never in control. I didn't know that. Now I do. I'm still fiercely independent. I'm
flawed. I've learned a great deal. I no longer react. I respond. I always felt like I had to justify everything. I'm geting better with that. I felt this insatiable need to be right. Now, my boss even laughs at me. When I'm wrong, I just say. "I was wrong." Or when I make a mistake, I just say "I'm sorry. That was my fault" or adrees the mistake specifically.

Divorce won't make me happy. At this point, it's a business transaction. I like me. I'm still flawed although I think I've made some positive changes. I'm not interested in fixing anyone. I'm still a good person and a pretty gosh darn good mom. I can be better. I will be better. I get tired and I figure I will rest when I'm dead. It's difficult to recharge as many of you can relate when you have the kids full time and whether you are a SAHM or work out of the home as well. I find little ways. And laughter. Lots of laughter. I'm not giving up my warped sense of humor. It keeps me sane.