Maybell XI

[Maybell]

Claire, are you prescient?

Was thinking tonight about my part in this week, both with my H and with my parents. What Labug said about MLP learning her relationship skills from addicts has really stuck with me and here are the pieces I've put together:

- made myself vulnerable and invited H over at his request. The day was largely "more of the same" behavior on both sides, with him not engaging much and me being hospitable and chatty and feeling ignored.

- IC and two friends asked if I'd just said how disappointed I was in that reaction. I thought I had, but in fact I:
- got quiet and less cheerful by the end of the afternoon
- told him he wasn't a romantic contender
- asked him not to take stuff out of the house when I'm not there

- my dad said in a martyred voice "I'll just get over it" which is a phrase I've heard many times, whenever one of my parents thinks they've been done wrong.

- my parents both dodged my calls

- my mother is angry with me for not falling in line with her ideas about what to do with my marriage/husband

- all growing up, I saw my mother doing whatever my dad wanted and then complaining about it.

- my entire life I've resented my dad's career because he was never around and he always treated us like employees (and I thought he wasn't a great boss)

- as the only girl in my family, I was rarely invited to participate in family outings that were traditional "boy" events, like sporting events or fishing trips. I was also kept out of home improvement projects. My role in the family was to be picked on.

Now, I know a lot of my behavior this week was pretty passive-aggressive. I don't know if I've always been like that or if this is in response to my feeling not allowed to talk to H and so I resort to these stupid tactics because he's inaccessible. Either way, they must stop now.

My lawyer may not be working out for me, I am not sure what to do about that. My H is in an unreachable place. I don't know how to deal with this stuff with him off in Lalaland.

I don't know why I even give this brain space, but... It worries me to even consider taking him back. What would it do to my kids to have him in with the uncertainty that will always go with that? And yet, I look at Train and T0324 and I think... Who knows?

I don't think he'll turn around like that. But it's possible I've been misreading everything and he could.

Those are problems for another day. Sleep well, friends.