I seriously do not understand why he's doing this. Yes, there were issues. So many issues. We needed help, desperately. And I thought I knew how so I said I would do the work. I didn't do the work not because I didn't want us to be better but because I genuinely did not know how!!! He doesn't read books, he doesn't believe in therapy (unless we go to someone who is "going to convince me that a divorce is the way to go").
I am SO angry. After BD he become an awesome dad. Where has he been for the last 6.9 effing years?!! Where was my support system? Where was HIS love? How did HE fill MY well? What about making an attempt at a connection in the way *I* would want rather than saying "wanna boink?" How about looking me in the eyes? How about NOT having the TV on and having the lap top on your lap while asking me how my day was. How about saying the words, "I WANT US TO BE BETTER. WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE US BETTER, TO HELP US CONNECT, TO GT ON THE SAME PAGE, TO WANT TO BE IN THIS MARRIAGE TOGETHER?????!!!!"
And what's worse is now I feel like I have the answers! I have so many ideas and solutions and suggestions and so much hope. Now it's not about whether I have a way, now it's whether he wants to work on it or not and it's not looking likely.
Now I spend my days wondering if a freaking cupcake means anything. This is like pre-dating. "does he like me, i hope he likes me. what if he doesn't like me?"
Something tells me he already has an idea of his PLAN. He'll spend 6 months - 1 year separated at which point he'll tell me his mind hasn't changed and he wants a divorce. What's the point of DB if he's already decided? But do I know for a fact if he has already decided? No. Because he doesn't tell me what's going on.
Is it a good sign that he wants to have family outings? One would think so but let's face it, he just misses D7 and i don't blame him but that's the ONLY reason he wants these family get togethers. It has nothing to do with me and that hurts. It hurts badly.
I should take solace in the fact that he has not filed (to my knowledge). That we are not legally separated. I'll admit though, everytime the doorbell rings, I wonder if I'm about to be served. I hate this. I hate it so much.
We haven't been living separated for a month yet and here I am drowning yet so many others are on year 1, year 2. OMG, what am I doing?
ss...So sorry to see (read) you are stressed out. First, relax. Take a deep breath and just remember, nothing is going to change tomorrow at the beach. Nothing bad, nothing good, it is just going to be a day at the beach for your D7. I know you are just venting, which is good. But really work at not being where you have to vent so much.
As for your day tomorrow, I would not do as you planned. If you only get chatty when he is chatty, and you follow his lead, you are going to come across as boring and there will be an awkwardness between you. This is your time to shine. This is your time to show him YOU are doing great, and YOU have a PMA and have GAL. Be that super happy sexy self. Rock out that bikini, shades, and act as if. Act as if things in your life could not be better. Talk to him like you are the prom queen and he is the computer lab geek who you got stuck with for the day but you want to be polite. KNOW you are better than him and you are out of HIS league. Believe me, guys can pick up on this. Remember, people want what they cannot have. I am sure you know how to play that off.
Any ways, just wanted to stop in and toss my support your way!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Pilot is right. Just be the woman only a fool would leave. Have fun with your daughter (the focus), try to have fun with him, have fun with the people you're meeting...and be the babe at the beach. The one who's glory everyone wants to bask in.
You can continue the meltdown back here tomorrow night.
At the beach you are Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, Miss America, and super mom all rolled into one. Show him what he really doesn't want to lose.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Hi Ss, sorry to read that you are having one of those angry, frustrated days. We have all been there for sure! Feel free to vent to us that is why we are here.
A few things that I noticed reading your last few posts: - I thought the conversation with H was good. He was offering to help. Didn't you say a while ago that you tend to control things and always plan everything and be an ultra prepared mom? And that you wanted to let your H be able to do his part without you having to control everything? To me it seems like this is an example of that. Sorry if it sounds like a 2x4. But he offered to bring snacks and you said "I already have snacks dummy!" or maybe I misunderstood. And then it sounds like you are frustrated that he was bringing snacks for her and not you? Or just that he thought you wouldn't already be prepared? Is this really something to get upset about? Sounds like he was trying to help. -what pilot and joe said. This is your chance to show how awesome you are. Be cool but be happy and nice. Don't kiss his arse but be friendly and fun. You catch more flies with honey as they say. This is your time to show him what it could be like if he came back home.
^^^agree! I would also add (don't mean to bonk you over the head again but you have an amazing chance to show a new improved you, so let's take it!):
Notice how you were so concerned about him-- when will he eat lunch, does he need a towel? Almost as if he was a child. But he's a big boy and either he will figure it out or deal with it. Cut that cord. Try to notice when you start mothering him at the beach (offering him something, etc), and try to stop yourself and just let him be. Don't remind him to put on sunscreen!
But ask him to put some on your back with a wink! ;-)
You're all right!!! I always welcome a good 2x4, gentle or otherwise. I was acting like a spoiled, petulant child last night and I needed the whack to the head.
I went to bed last night wondering if I have a problem with compulsive thoughts because I can't snap out of thinking about all of this perpetually. I need to be busier, do more GAL (that doesn't include venting to friends) and having fun. I skipped yoga all last week and I'm feeling the impact emotionally and mentally (and physically I guess). Can't do that anymore. It's what's getting me through next to all of you.
Lisa, I am totally trying to take back control and over the absolute silliest thing - snacks. Really?
If I look at it differently, he's TRYING and frankly, doing his own 180 by not assuming I'm taking care of it all. When I look at it like that, WOW - that's awesome!
He's a man who loves the beach just like I do and we love it even more through our daughter's eyes so what's not to enjoy? Today I will be ME and I am cute, silly, quick witted, fun-loving, energetic, a bit nerdy, independent and occasionally hilariously funny so how could he not LOVE to hang out with me (hahahaha!).
He has D7 tonight so it could be argued that he's not just coming to the beach for D7 because he'd see her in a few hours anyway. Perhaps he misses my swimmer/yoga body, just a little bit.
There ya go! And as Claire said, have him put some sunscreen on you (not spray kind), enjoy the process and he will. I guarantee that.
Glad we got through to you in time!
Have fun!
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Sorry for the little 2x4 but we see positive where you see negative and that's what we are here for!
You and Claire are so right in what you wrote.
I agree with Claire, don't mother him, I do that too and it is so unsexy.
And what you said about him obviously making an effort to take care of things himself is a huge step!
Enjoy the beach and the lovely weather and be sure to show off that hot body and your cute, silly, quick witted, fun-loving, energetic, a bit nerdy, independent and always hilariously funny self.
Joe, not a 2x4 to you, but just a note/question to all of us-Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, Miss America, and super mom all rolled into one. Show him what he really doesn't want to lose.
Isn't this what makes us a bit crazy to begin with? We think being us isn't good enough and we pressure ourselves to be all of these roles in order to be in a R, or fit in, or be desirable. I know we all have things to work on and improve upon but really, there's a limit. Most of the stuff we need to work on, that makes R work or not, is internal.
Work out, look fabulous, get new perfume, dress attractively but do it because that's who YOU want to be. Because it makes YOU feel good. Long term maintenance of a persona that's not us isn't sustainable.
Hope I'm not being a wet blanket at your beach party.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
or maybe I misunderstood. And then it sounds like you are frustrated that he was bringing snacks for her and not you? Or just that he thought you wouldn't already be prepared? Is this really something to get upset about? Sounds like he was trying to help.
