I seriously do not understand why he's doing this. Yes, there were issues. So many issues. We needed help, desperately. And I thought I knew how so I said I would do the work. I didn't do the work not because I didn't want us to be better but because I genuinely did not know how!!! He doesn't read books, he doesn't believe in therapy (unless we go to someone who is "going to convince me that a divorce is the way to go").
I am SO angry. After BD he become an awesome dad. Where has he been for the last 6.9 effing years?!! Where was my support system? Where was HIS love? How did HE fill MY well? What about making an attempt at a connection in the way *I* would want rather than saying "wanna boink?" How about looking me in the eyes? How about NOT having the TV on and having the lap top on your lap while asking me how my day was. How about saying the words, "I WANT US TO BE BETTER. WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE US BETTER, TO HELP US CONNECT, TO GT ON THE SAME PAGE, TO WANT TO BE IN THIS MARRIAGE TOGETHER?????!!!!"
And what's worse is now I feel like I have the answers! I have so many ideas and solutions and suggestions and so much hope. Now it's not about whether I have a way, now it's whether he wants to work on it or not and it's not looking likely.
Now I spend my days wondering if a freaking cupcake means anything. This is like pre-dating. "does he like me, i hope he likes me. what if he doesn't like me?"
Something tells me he already has an idea of his PLAN. He'll spend 6 months - 1 year separated at which point he'll tell me his mind hasn't changed and he wants a divorce. What's the point of DB if he's already decided? But do I know for a fact if he has already decided? No. Because he doesn't tell me what's going on.
Is it a good sign that he wants to have family outings? One would think so but let's face it, he just misses D7 and i don't blame him but that's the ONLY reason he wants these family get togethers. It has nothing to do with me and that hurts. It hurts badly.
I should take solace in the fact that he has not filed (to my knowledge). That we are not legally separated. I'll admit though, everytime the doorbell rings, I wonder if I'm about to be served. I hate this. I hate it so much.
We haven't been living separated for a month yet and here I am drowning yet so many others are on year 1, year 2. OMG, what am I doing?
