Wife Declares She is a Lesbian

[25yearsmlc]

After 20 plus years of being together, the bomb my wife dropped was that she is now a Lesbian.
We have two daughters who still live with us; not aware of details of the situation at the moment; though i suspect they have an idea that something is wrong. The eldest is on the verge of leaving, buying a house with her boyfriend. Once that happens it will be the trigger for a forced sale of our home so that we can go our seperate ways.
We still share a bed , though have had no intimacy since that day. I love her and want to stand for the marriage but in these circumstance - How?
In fact some days she has barely spoken to me and is as cold as ice towards me.
I'm already convinced of an affair, though she doesn't admit it. She spends hours on an internet lesbian dating site. Gym every other day, lost a lot of weight.Lots of new feminine clothes that i would have loved to have seen her wear.
I'm reading Divorce Remedy now and am thinking MLC the changes in her have been so dramatic.
I'm following the advice from DR as best i can at the moment in the middle of this heartache for me.I know that i haven't been perfect - all the men in her life have been a dissappointment to her, was one of the hurtful things she said to me.
I'm so glad i found this site, been reading it for over a month now. - can anybody give me some advice regarding this situation please?--

Essjay,

You are in the best place to be, for a lousy situation. So you know, this situation is not as unusual as you think. Still I'm very sorry for your pain. Let me say a few things up front that MAY relate b/c I have witnessed this quite a bit in my life and can share some examples of what I've seen work and not work.

You are in great pain and it's probably worsened by the "I want no man" preference. I get that. It's a blow to the ego for sure.

But then I wonder if it would necessarily be easier on you, if it were with OR about another man? I can't answer that for you obviously.

But do you believe your approach, in this painful situation, "must" be different than it would be with any other woman saying she wants out of her marriage? If so, why?


Why not just apply the DB principles? And to be clear, that means GAL, doing the 180s (even more than most, YOU must undermine the image she has created in her mind about "all the men in her life" letting her down). Make sure you demonstrate the differences between them and you, but not with words.

You do that by some consistent changes, and you work on detachment, etc...
But know that the "math" of it is this:

Consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

ALSO, other examples of women "switching", were the following....

I played softball and went to college on a scholarship. Many of my teammates were gay or bisexual.
On my high school team, about half were in gay relationships, or described themselves as gay or bisexual. I kept in touch with most of them.

At the 20 year class reunion, & at the 30 year reunion, of those dozen women, 4 or 5 of them were still married to men, and each had children. 3 more of the women had biological kids too, and had been married or in r's with the fathers of those children.

So more than half had r's and kids with a man, and half married men & had kids and long term marriages. Granted it was a different time,

but it still means that sexual orientation can ebb and flow and evolve, Nor is it always set in stone. I'm no expert. But obviously your wife's wasn't set in stone.

Anyhow, I met a woman in an abusive heterosexual marriage, who wanted to leave her h but was not strong enough. Then she met a woman who became her bff, and who helped her realize how bad the marriage was, how dangerous really....and she became dependent on her bff. That R developed into a physical relationship.

Eventually She left her h when she had finally gotten healthy enough to leave. (For all I know, the OW saved her life). She confided that the OW "was the first adult to touch her with tenderness". I found that heartbreaking.

When Her h learned of her A with the OW, he fought hard and dirty in court, for full custody. (Back then, a gay woman did not have a lot of rights to her children).

She almost lost them in court. But after the police reports were filed about his more recent outburst and his domestic violence, she got primary custody, with her h getting supervised visits! Oops...

(She said she was almost "lucky he beat" her b/c if not, she would have lost the kids back then. The judge said he had to choose between a "privately deviant woman who poses no threat to her children, and a man who does" (quoting his words).

The END RESULT----miraculously I actually ran into her a full decade later... she was remarried - to a man - whom I met and he was quite lovely and yes, macho. Anyhow, she was so very grateful and healthy! I think The relationship she had with the one woman bff, was a once in a lifetime thing for her and a life saver.

She confided that "I needed her (OW) to see how bad my marriage was, and that I was really in danger. She gave me hope that there was better out there, and the strength to leave him...I'll always be grateful for that, but it turns out I'm happier as a straight woman, at least when I'm married to the right man."

Take from all that^^^, what you will. Discard what doesn't help.

I don't know what it all means.

Maybe it was a financial or biological imperative, or maybe they were always attracted to both sexes, then met the "Right guy".

Or maybe had a friendship that was very intimate, and they needed/ wanted the intimacy to escalate, and or they had sexual urges --so the desire for more intimacy morphed into a sexual relationship, which was labelled as being gay.

OR maybe they were bisexual the whole time, AND OR maybe the desire for children moved them towards men, but that may not matter in your situation and besides, gay couples can have kids more now. I don't know and am not sure I care. Because

The point is, NOTHING IS ETCHED IN STONE.


(Of course some of my teammates really are lifelong gay women, and nothing I'm saying here is meant to imply that it's "all a phase", or "not authentic", b/c for some, their gay orientation has been lifelong and that's that. It's not always about a man who hurt them, or about their lousy fathers.

Some women really are lesbians - and I do not judge that.

But I have a hard time believing your wife is "Now a lesbian" after 2 decades as a straight woman and mom and wife. Is she that great an actress? Did she fool everyone, even herself, all this time?

The only advice I have other than to do the DB approach and HIRE A COACH b/c they have expertise in this very issue. And there are a few here on the boards who have also had this very experience. (However, I think Starsky's wife had an OM if I recall right). Anyhow, the trouble is that the ones who are in your shoes now, lack the time frame of years to know what ultimately develops.)

The other advice is Do not tell your wife she is in a "phase" or having a MLC.

She'll resent the hell out of those comments.

Again, be sure to distinguish yourself from the "other men" in her life. Though It's not your job to explain or defend your whole gender, you need to be clear about how unfair (and inaccurate) she is being, by lumping you into the "men are pigs" belief system.

And btw, it's very sexist (yep, I said it!) for her to be bigoted and use those sweeping generalizations as a reason for breaking up a family.

The anti maleness is not healthy or fair to you. Or to your d's, who are going to be deeply affected by this.

And finally (for now anyway) the need for YOU to be the best father you can be at this time will mean more to our daughters in this situation than most, and it's always always critical to show up for them.

But Even more so in a situation like this. Do you see that? Can you see how vital it is that you are the ROCK your kids can rely upon? You really are and all kids at all ages need a rock in their lives...be that rock even if your heart is breaking. Their hearts are also hurting.

But otherwise, I can't see why this should be treated so differently than any other "I want out" marital crisis.

The more you condemn your wife, the faster/farther she'll flee. Leave out any biblical quotes to throw at her b/c that will cement in her that you are "judgmental and critical".

Plus, I'm not sure your wife is stable right now. NOT b/c of being gay but bc of the suddenness, After a 20 year m --- and the internet fantasy life and all the other dramatic changes you see happening. It's a BIG leap to say "NOW I'm a lesbian." What else is happening in her life? What were her complaints about the marriage before this declaration? Make sure you don't make the lesbian comments the only focus.

Yes I know it hurts you in a different way, but as for DB approaches, I can't think of a reason to change your path.

What is your plan? What are the 180s you want to work on, and how?

And yes I think there is hope for you. I really do.

Too many "dramatic changes" in her for the concept of MLC to be ignored (But never brought up to her).

Hang in there. I'll post more later.