Maybell XI

[Maybell]

Nothing new to say, just opening the space.

Maybell X

[SunnyB]

Nothing new here either just saying hi Maybell!

[Eatsma]

Welcome to the new space maybell.

[Maybell]

Is it possible to avoid talking to him anymore? S6 wanted to talk to him today. When he was done he handed me the phone and I had to talk to H. He's out seeing the sights. Didn't ask if things are ok here or anything.

I know not to expect this but it HURTS to be so utterly disregarded. He doesn't care at all about dumping this all on me and going off to have fun in a city I'd like to visit. And yes, I know he's having fun, he's off sight-seeing, he told me what he was doing.

I am struggling not to hate him and beginning to lose the fight. But then again, I'm crying... So obviously I'm hurt and disappointed as well. Is it so much to ask that my HUSBAND should at least appreciate everything I'm doing here? I think I am starting to hate him. He is so selfish.

I tried a ALL the 5LL on him during the beg&plead period and for a long time before. He told me none of it was important because HE didn't need people to feed him. Nothing I do touches him. So why do I try?

I believe his saying he wanted to spend time with me was just a selfish ploy to make him feel better and nothing at all to do with caring about me. Which HURTS.

How do I harden my heart against him? I do not want to live like this any longer.

Spending today letting the kids recharge while I catch up loads and loads of laundry and get the house ready for the coming week. I'm taking the kids out to a new restaurant for dinner. Basically, I'm spending today being a grown-up.

I deserve to be loved by a partner who thinks I'm worth getting excited about. I AM worth getting excited about. Eight friends yesterday made me feel cared for. He is not right about me. I am worthy of love and care.

[pilot]

Is it possible to avoid talking to him anymore? S6 wanted to talk to him today. When he was done he handed me the phone and I had to talk to H. He's out seeing the sights. Didn't ask if things are ok here or anything.

Yea, it is possible. Just stop. Once your kids are done talking, just hang up. When my W and I have to let the other facetime, I started off not saying a word, or even being in the video. After a month or so, my W would start putting herself in the video when I was talking to the kids. I am going back to the no talking bit at this point. Try it out.

I know not to expect this but it HURTS to be so utterly disregarded. He doesn't care at all about dumping this all on me and going off to have fun in a city I'd like to visit. And yes, I know he's having fun, he's off sight-seeing, he told me what he was doing.

I know it hurts. It hurts really bad. But that is why we detach and GAL. Detaching takes the sting away from knowing they are off doing something without us. GAL makes it easier to detach, as we begin to have our own things we are doing and are concerned about, leaving less time for us to think about what our spouses are doing.

I am struggling not to hate him and beginning to lose the fight. But then again, I'm crying... So obviously I'm hurt and disappointed as well. Is it so much to ask that my HUSBAND should at least appreciate everything I'm doing here? I think I am starting to hate him. He is so selfish.

You cannot think of his as your Husband right now. He is not. He is really not even a friend to you right now. And of course everything he is doing is selfish. It is how they are during this. There are things my W does which if I saw a stranger do, I would never give that stranger the time of day. But...she is not a stranger, and nor is your H a stranger to you. So here we are...

I tried a ALL the 5LL on him during the beg&plead period and for a long time before. He told me none of it was important because HE didn't need people to feed him. Nothing I do touches him. So why do I try?

Remember, believe none of what you hear.

I believe his saying he wanted to spend time with me was just a selfish ploy to make him feel better and nothing at all to do with caring about me. Which HURTS.

No you are mind reading and the conclusion you came to is what hurts. Why not approach it as a positive, even if only a small one. Then it does not hurt, it feels good.

How do I harden my heart against him? I do not want to live like this any longer.

Detach and GAL. I know it is such an easy thing to say, but harder to do. However, it really does help.

I deserve to be loved by a partner who thinks I'm worth getting excited about. I AM worth getting excited about. Eight friends yesterday made me feel cared for. He is not right about me. I am worthy of love and care.

You do, and you will again. When you are ready. Maybe it will be with H, maybe someone else, but it will come.

Keep at it!

[Maybell]

Thanks for the pep talk, pilot. You're right.

[Sam3]

Maybell -
I have been following your stitch almost nightly. I'm not sure if anything has changed much in the past few days but a couple of nights ago you were discussing standing or not standing. I just got a chance to get on my desktop and,
I had a screen shot of this post saved on my phone to remind myself.

Actually all of the posts on that thread are filled with wisdom that we can all learn from. I am no vet, and feel like I get this DB thing wrong all.the.time But, this helped me and maybe it will help you too.



: Melissag XII - getting divorced [Re: 2ndTimeHurt]
mustardseed Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/13
Posts: 152


I think that rather than getting rid of hope, perhaps you should just replace it with faith. Hope keeps you focused on the fantasy you want, faith allows you know that things will work out in the way that will be best--even though you can't know what that is right now. I found that being hopeful often meant lying to myself about what was really happening in an effort to make things be how I wanted them to be. Having faith, however, allowed me to let go of my ideal situation and as a result made detaching feel freeing.

Think of it right now as a road trip. He decided to go a different way, and for the past few months--even though you hated the route he chose you continued to follow him. That road never felt right to you, and even though you were following him down that road you were still alone in that journey. He was speeding along in one car while you were desperately following in your own hoping to catch up and share the ride again. In that car you could play your own music, have the temperature the way you wanted it, drive a speed you were comfortable with (all of you GALs), but you were still following his road, not yours.

Now he told you he doesn't want you to follow him anymore. That doesn't mean you won't end up in the same place later on. It means, take a path that feels more comfortable to you. Take a path that will make you feel better about being alone in that car. When you take this turn, have faith that you will be satisfied with where you end up. Then let go of the destination and enjoy the ride. Let his choices play out for him however they will and don't be concerned with it. Now it is time to do what you need to do.

[Maybell]

Thank you Sam, that's really helpful.

[Ahoy]

You are worthy of love and care, Maybell.

You deserve better -- we all do.

[KGirl]

Maybell - I feel like I understand how you feel today (as evidenced by my own post)... it can be so much easier if you just don't have to interact with them or hear about them at all. Out of sight, out of mind. It's hard to love or stay "in love" with someone given these sorts of circumstances.. it's probably healthy that at some point we don't really feel that in the same way anymore (otherwise we'd be stuck loving someone years after D and that's not good either!). I do think sometimes about how much it's really worth it to be in limbo. Our situations are a bit different given you have kids but I do ponder how things would change if we did D and get everything settled and then we would not have to ever talk to each other again.

I was also thinking about your prev. post about letting go and standing and what that means. For me, at least, it means that I'm just living my own life and letting H live his, while being open to the possibility of R. Whereas not standing would look more like "screw you! You don't want to be here? Fine, I'm divorcing you." Or doing something antogonistic or petty or mean that would be very difficult to overcome (post something on facebook about what a cheater and a liar he is, tell him to F-off and never talk to me again, etc.). Basically moving on with your own life but keeping the road home paved and smooth in case they do ever reconsider. I hope that makes sense. I just got back from a college football game so the sun and drinks get to me a little