Slowly switching gears

[25yearsmlc]

But The OTHER GOOD NEWS IS'

that it turns out my h and i are really quite well suited for each other. Dating OMs was a great reminder of that.

Don't assume every date or every OM/OW is a great catch AND that it convinces the WAS that a divorce is the answer.

Thank you 25years for sharing the other perspective on dating and the potential positive side to this. This is incredibly wise advice.

By coincidence, a female friend also gave me the same perspective (she's the only woman I have been getting advice on this as well as from her husband). After they had split a few years ago, she was initially excited about the prospect of dating again but after a few dates, realized just how much she still loved her husband. They are now back together though not many people knew about their split in the first place. She is urging patience and that it is better for W to figure out what she really wants than for me to coax her back leaving doubts lingering in her mind about other people.

Coaxing her back won't work in the long run even if it somehow gets her back home initially. The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them. Don't.

Let her discover this, let her solve the puzzle without you standing over her shoulder telling her where to put the pieces. That is not her "learning" something, that's you controlling or manipulating the outcome. Even if she came back, if she has not learned what SHE NEEDS TO LEARN on her own, you'll be back here in a year or two.

If you were once both in love and bonded, you will need to trust that when she feels safe enough, those memories and feelings will resurface. But she can't "allow" that if she does not feel safe around you. Her fears include the big one that if she returns to you and the marriage, it'll revert and you will revert and she'll be worse off than before. She'll feel fooled and trapped. WORK ON YOU.


I am hoping she can do that without dating.

Why? Why must she NOT date? I know how the ego feels but it's as if you are assuming she'd sleep with OM's and many of us do NOT do that when we first date.

FWIW, I know from experience (from before marriage) that even if she were to sleep with OM, do not assume it'll be the greatest sex she ever had. You need to figure out where your fears are really coming from.

I'm not insecure about my looks in general, okay? I'm confident that men find me attractive and I apologize if that sounds arrogant.

The point is, that even so, I still worry about the stretch marks I have from childbirth. So the idea of another man seeing those without being the father of those kids, well, it would mean I'd either have to be drunk (not likely) or VERY trusting of the OM.

And that takes time. It would take a lot of time for me to trust OM enough to sleep with him. My sisters mostly say the same thing, but I can't speak for all women obviously. I'm just saying you may have to get past this fear of her dating.

If you realize it's your ego talking, and your fears, then ask yourself What are you afraid she'd find if she dated other men?

Men who treat her better? Who will love her more than you?

IF so, you have more work to do than you thought.

Dig deep and see what it is. If it's simply the idea of her kissing another man, then it's just plain old insecure feelings. You know she probably had relationships before she met you. Do those haunt you?


If it's b/c you fear that another man would treat her better or make her feel better about herself, then that is an area for YOU to work on.

The good news is you CAN work on that, regardless of what she is doing/thinking or planning, or how she feels today.

All those things^^^ --the plans, emotions, etc, can change anyhow.

Work on you.