Dealing with WAW part 5

[25yearsmlc]

Pilot,

i was a bit confused about the logistics of the evening with the boys and why the arrangements were so convoluted (to me anyhow). But here's the deal. You do NOT know why she was so hesitant for you to go inside but I'd rule out any OM issue b/c there's no way she'd risk your sons saying something. And they would say something if some new guy was living or visiting often, etc. There's no way she'd risk that being blurted out and kids DO blurt things out like that.

Though I think this is a pointless exercise b/c who really cares why she didn't want you in her place? IT was moderately rude and a bit weird, but so what?

Back to YOU and YOUR LIFE....okay?

As you model making your sons THE priority of your life, and as you show yourself being the best father you can be regardless of what she is doing/thinking/feeling/planning/saying,

it'll be a good thing. Your sons will benefit obviously.

There's a lot to teach her by your own behavior, which is that YOU have changed (and perhaps that SHE can too...) Make sense?

But drop this now. First, It's not an event you may ever understand. How much time do you want to spend trying to decipher her behavior last night, now?

She knows the boys were not happy and she knows she played a role in that. Let it sink in. If you say much, she'll feel attacked and any introspection she might have engaged in, will be lost.

My h had some goofy events and made some horrendous comments in those years some of which I recall quite vividly. But there are at least a few he literally does not even recall now, and I think he's being honest. (I mean, I really believe he does not remember some of the crappy things he did or said.)

In truth, the weirdest things he did, which he does not recall, were pretty out of character so maybe its harder for them to recall it - or they had their own reasoning going on so fast, and the "awkward discomfort" HAD to be avoided....so much so they don't even know the extent to which they went, to avoid it.

Weird and annoying, yes. OR as you said, "Disappointing". And even if you reconcile, our spouses do and will disappoint us again. AS we will disappoint them too. I would just chalk this up to one of those times and discuss it with your coach and perhaps more importantly, how to handle those moments in the future.

My coach was a Godsend. One small but pivotal example of how she helped me turn around a VERY disappointing moment is this.

Right after h left for yet another credential, one which I strongly opposed and felt would end our m, and which was 300 miles away, h "forgot" to pay the bills. Mind you, he had religiously paid all our bills for 25 years and it was a monthly ordeal for him. He'd grimace and whine and I'd offer to help or do it instead but it was a control issue for him. So I pretty much let him do it all even though it seemed UNfun for him.

Suddenly he was off by himself and NOT interested in paying the utilities. Sure would have been nice if he'd told me but that would have been "so awkward" I guess he felt it would be easier on HIM if I just found out the hard way.

Which I did. We were evacuating b/c of local wild fires and h was gone, so I was loading our car and packing for our d's and feeling pretty vulnerable. I really REALLY wished he was there to help and maybe encourage us b/c the fires were terrifying.

THEN the power company came to see me and said they were cutting off our electricity for non payment....NICE TOUCH...I paid the bill and was FURIOUS at h for being so thoughtless.

the next day I had a DB coach session and knew h would call later that day. I was fuming, locked and loaded for THE conversation I was going to have with him about how selfish and neglectful ETC....

But my DB coach talked about the bill paying h had been doing all those years....and I decided to take her approach.

When H called and I discussed the fires and then the power bill, h first said he hoped it did not hurt HIS credit (I swear he said that & to this day I can't tell if it was a joke since he has no recall)....I bit my tongue.

Anyhow he probably expected me to blast him, which I had planned to do before the DB coach session.

At one point I said "well, if you are not going to be paying the utilities anymore, I just need to know which account to use, and I'll pay them, since you aren't..."

He got defensive and raised his voice to say "Now YOU know what it's like to be paying the bills, like I have for the past 25 years!"

I paused to recall the coach's advice and then I said, "Yes I realize that, and I want to THANK YOU for doing it, b/c it IS stressful to deal with this every month."

LONG PAUSE on h's end....(seemed like 10 minutes but was probably 10 seconds).
He said "well you're welcome" in a soft voice, and I knew then that an expected blow out, had turned into something else.

A new way of interacting... Pilot though I can tell YOU -- that I still think he was "wrong" to handle it so poorly, I also realized something else.

First, he probably just forgot to pay it and was embarrassed, b/c there were a lot of emotions flying around at the time, as he prepared to leave us for a fellowship he never needed to do and to move out and at some level he knew he was risking the relationships with all of us, and for what? So who knows WHY he failed to pay the bill...?

None of that changes the reality that in fact he HAD been unfairly burdened and stressed all those years, he had never missed a payment, and I had never thanked him. My thanking him THEN, really seemed to strike a chord in him, in a good way.

I don't know why I had never thanked him before, except to say I took it for granted, since he "wanted" to pay the bills and was "so controlling" it must therefore not count as something positive he was doing. But it should have.
I tended to negate or overlook it and I can't say for sure why I did that, but it doesn't reflect well on me.


I'm Not sure if that ^^ event sheds any light on anything for you. But I thought I'd pass on how following the advice of a DB coach that went against almost every urge I had, made a difference in how I acted, how h and I interacted, and it was such a dramatic shift for me, I noted that and began to incorporate more of those small comments or gestures of appreciation in the oddest moments. Sure caught h off guard.

And it reminded me that h really did have his own points of view, not all of which were off base or nuts.


So, back to YOU. How are your GAL activities going?