Doing all right

[BrightFuture]

I’m really straggling to express my thoughts these days. This why I probably don’t get much traffic on my thread. I do have lots of thoughts and feelings, but by the time I get to my computer, they are all processed and gone, or I just have no energy to write. Does anyone have the same problem?

I’ve read Smurf_SMR’s thead about depression. I can identify with a few things, like this:

Another part of depression for me is cyclical-ness. Nothing changes. It is all non linear. It is the same thing over and over in day to day and year to year routines. Feelings and moods are recycled. Thoughts and ideas are recycled. All the books, movies, newspapers, magazines and any other media seem unoriginal and reused from what has already been said and done, very post modern. This all turns into a perpetual state of boredom.

And this:

Even listening is a challenge that I can not meet, whether it be in conversation, talk radio or television. I have been reduced to twenty second sound bites. I also become forgetful, missing details where I prided myself of having mastery of. Nothing is of interest.

And this:

I find it difficult discerning my likes and dislikes. I become very indecisive. Motivation becomes lacking. I’m functional but with a haunted sense of dread. I want to be alone. My only desire is to do nothing and to stare off into a pessimistic view of myself

When I’m at work, I do seem to be functioning quite well, except for attention and memory issues. But, I’ve learnt how to compensate for this. So far, I’ve been managing to do the job, and I’m very grateful for this.

When I come home, it is a different story. I want to do nothing. I don’t want to go anywhere. I do my usual routine, take care of the dog and the house. I think from the outside it looks like I’m a normal person. Even my sister has no clue what is happening to me every day. I feel like every day is a groundhog day, just like in the movie. I do my occasional activities, like shopping, meeting with the people, going to my vacation home. But, when I get back home, I want to be alone and just crawl back into my shell. I have to admit that I use alcohol to numb the feelings and distract me from reality (which is a groundhog day all over.) It is like I want to be “comfortably numb” in my free time.

I do experience ups and downs, like Smurf_SMR has described. Sometimes I feel that I’m even making progress, moving on, etc. And then, back to my shell…

Maybe H is in the same kind of cycle. I don’t really feel much compassion for him right now. I guess I’m just the same kind of selfish person.

Thanks for listening.