A war state of mind? I don't think that's very productive, do you? Your whole family (including her) have enough going on and it's not like anything she is doing is hurting you. You're doing that by not being detached from the outcome or the immediate situation.
What they describe is pure ego. And has nothing to gain for you unless you are that damaged.
I do however agree that you shouldn't let her come and go as she pleases. It's easy enough to say "no. I'll bring the books over and you can do what you want with them." and leave it at that. Unless and until you can do things without worrying about her reaction or whether or not it's the "right" thing to do, you'll be stuck and a prisoner of this situation.
Like many prisons, you have the key to this one.
It's your life too, Matt. You can put your foot down without being mean, angry, "war-like" or any bravado. You're an experienced man. You can be you without fear of reprisal from your W.
What's she going to do? Divorce you? Leave? Say mean things about you?
That's not a free pass to become angry and nasty. You're the type that would not like yourself for doing that and I see no reason to let the choices of your W dictate your future self.
My $0.02 worth.
Oh, and try not to talk it over with friends too much. They want to see you stop hurting and will do anything to reach that goal. Including give you advice you won't like having taken later.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
