I'm back. So much has happened in the past few days. The MC session went well, then we had a conversation that spiraled downward on the way home, followed by a good date the next day and a couple of good conversations yesterday and today.
I think, maybe, we are in piecing, or at least really close to it.
We both really liked the new marriage counselor. I let H do most of the talking, and he surprised in that he shared some things that he hadn't said to me before.
1. H said that he left not so much because of me or my behavior, but because he felt like he kept putting himself in a position to be hurt and he was mad at himself for letting that happen.
2. H admitted, after some prodding from the MC, that the separation is bad for him, and for D7. H said that he didn't want to say that before because he felt that it took away from my pain.
3. H admitted, again after some prodding from the MC, that he sees me as the "enemy", which is why it's so difficult for him to try to meet my needs right now. (Scary, but I'm glad it's out in the open.)
4. This is a small thing, but the MC prefaced an unconventional suggestion with the phrase, "I'm not saying that I'd recommend this, necessarily, . . ." and H interrupted and said, "Please, I'm willing to try anything." (In fact, now that I think about it, I think he may have even used the phrase "beginner's mind" -- H are you reading DB?)
So, action steps --
1. The MC wholeheartedly approved of my suggestion to date more.
2. H said that his primary concern is that he feels controlled. The MC came up with a "pause" phrase for H to use when he feels controlled, so that I'm aware of how he's feeling and can reconsider my words or behavior.
3. The MC asked me to contribute a similar concern for H to work on. Since the session had gone so well, I decided to ask for a safe "exit strategy" from conflict. The MC was very approving of this, and H responded well. Unfortunately, this was at the end of the session and we didn't have a chance to work out what the exit strategy would be, but the MC did set some guidelines for us.
So, H and I are meeting tomorrow to talk about how to implement the MC's suggestions. I will come back later and ask some questions, but feel free to give me some feedback in the meantime.
I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone else's threads -- Maybell, Claire, Ss, Ganb8te, Joe, Jacket and many others -- later tonight.
