Well, 24 hours later I'm coming back to earth. Going back to me.
This last exchange really got me out of the present, and focused on her. Would she postpone the D? Would she find herself? Would she agree to a separation in which we went to counseling and spent time with each other? Would that lead to a reuniting? Would that new marriage work better? Would I be happier? Would my needs get met? Or would it breakdown? And if so, where? AHH!
Man, if I've done one thing right it's to NOT show any of that to her. I will stay poised, cool, calm, collected. I will not pursue. I will react casually, like I could take it or leave it.
And I will continue to work on me. Getting stronger. Meditating. Being a good dad. Maintaining my happiness on my own.
I think that's the biggest. It's so easy to want to say 'oh boy, maybe there's a chance this will work out, so I don't have to be so strong and independent!' But if I don't stay strong and independent it WON'T work out.
Glad I'm meeting with my DB coach tomorrow. Big Mac, when you asked what to do when your STBX says she's lonely I'm right there with you...Stay strong all!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Wow. CRAZY 48 hours. Being detached is much, much easier when there's minimal contact. Here's the recap of the last 3 exchanges, notice the rollercoaster:
Monday: She emails me stating she f'd up, had a drunken summer, saw someone briefly, broke it off, is lost, and doesn't want to divorce someone that has changed into someone she likes. I replied and just validated, and added "I'm still willing to listen" to indicate I wasn't closing the door.
Last night: She emails me again stating how trapped she is, spews a TON of venom about the situation, references the D, talks about how I can date if I wanted to and she's stuck, lonely, no companionship, etc. I replied again and validated, also adding it wasn't fair that I played such a role in it and she was the one in that spot, but that I took no pleasure over seeing someone I cared about suffer.
Tonight: After I was leaving from my kid visit she followed me outside, said 'I'm not doing so well. Thanks for listening', then proceeded to give me a hug that was so, so long...but yet so short.
Listen- I have been meditating for 15-20 minutes a day, really allowing myself to be ok regardless of what happens around me. But just for the moment I can tell you that hug was the most satisfying moment I can remember. Maybe you can relate. OK- now back to what DB Coach said.
She told me to wait until STBX verbalized confliction, then to talk about the middle road. Something like "the decisions we're making will be significant for our family. we want to be at our best when making those decisions. Neither of us is in a spot to recommit to a marriage or move back in together. Would it make sense to take a 'time out' and just put things on hold?" There would be more to it than that, but the idea would be to propose moving the D to a separation where we would co-parent and maybe get to know each other again.
Anyway, not sending that email tonight. Probably just a short follow up in regards to a couple of comments she made. She mentioned seeing a married couple she was friends with that she hasn't seen in a long time. She said it helped her a lot. In addition to 1-2 miscellaneous things I'm going to ask her in what way it helped to see if she'll share. OH- FYI, she's made a POINT of telling me where she's going and who she's seeing. I don't believe it's mind reading as it's so blatant (I saw my old friend Tyler today, don't worry, he's gay). So she is being considerate and sensitive to how I might feel in light of her short fling.
Thoughts or comments welcome, but again...slow...detached...her pace...but man, what a hug!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Without a doubt the craziest night of my life. I'm at the house now. She woke me up at 4 crying and saying she didn't want to divorce me, she just wanted a happier M. She told me she had been thinking of ending it all. I hopped in my car and started driving over.
When I was almost there I heard another voice, apparently OM was at the house. But she told me OM had dumped her last night and was just too tipsy to drive home. When I arrived he wasn't ready to leave and was trying to give us counseling tips. I got him out of the house by going for a walk with him, he talked to me about being a better dad and husband, then said he'd stay out of the way. He told my W he wasn't going to befriends anymore and she got mad but let him leave.
She cried a lot and said lots of drunken sobbing things, she said she learned she can't be alone right now and needed me. Obviously I am now upstairs where we ended up ML and holding each other. She's getting the kids to school, trying not to confuse them too much but far too late.
Anyway, more later. First, I'm concerned with her safety. Second, I'm concerned with what she might do to self medicate. Third, I'm concerned about how to a kid being drawn into it, but if she's so lonely she will take anyone I hesitate to leave her. But maybe that's best, I don't want to be my own rebound. She was talking about giving the M another chance if we took it slow but she needed me tonight
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
See above post. Unreal. I feel like such an idiot. She has lied to me repeatedly. She told me the other day she broke it off with this guy. Now she says she was dumped last night. She said he was the only guy. Now apparently she has a date on Sunday with a neighbor while I was watching the kids. Oh, and her cousins husband that was helping with something around the house...apparently she got too close with him and he told his W he wanted to leave her for my W. my W said no and now there's a rift in the family.
WtF. Is this Jerry springer? Is this real? I wasn't a great H and admit that, but this is crazyness. Smoking pot and drinking, sleeping around, breaking up families. What do I do?
At this moment I know this: she is not committed to the M, or even to giving the M another shot. She is not committed to stop seeing other men. Very clear case of cake eating, self medicating, and being totally selfish. I think I'll need he'll setting some boundaries. How do I walk the line between pushing for D vs being used? Doesn't feel great
But I can handle it and am proud of how I am handling myself so far. Time for the next (complicated) step.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
She just took a bottle of pills and texted my sister she was killing herself. She is at the hospital. They think she'll be ok but not much communication. Police called and asked me to come come, just got here. Need to watch kids until she's out of hospital/psych. No idea how long. I'm not very detached right now. Not doing so well. Please pray for me.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
