I have not TM/Pursued W at all during this separation, one of those DBing and not knowing I was DBing .... As predicted we spent the weekend together as a family because she didnt want to be alone, and once the work week hits she is back to her ways, cast me aside and there is little contact. This frustrates me, one because I was starting to detach ... then she sucked me back into the rollercoaster, two I just feel like I am being used .... I need to remind myself that I would rather her come to me for emotional needs. Yesterday she TM and says :I hope your day is going better than mine, a contrator just yelled at me infront of everyone, so unprofessional! .... I simply validated, we TM just a few lines and that was it.
I guess whats killing me is her pulling back, I am not pressing nor backsliding that she can see ... but even dropping off S there is no connection, she was pleasant this morning and I was short to the point and left quickly, I am just tired of being hurt and allowing her close then she pulls the rug out again.
This weekend, Saturday I have my S soccer game, then I need to sneak into work, I plan on church around 4 ... not sure if she will go or not .. at this moment I am completely ok if she doesn't and just lets me take S .... then she has "dinner" plans with a girlfriend (I am not sold this it the truth ... maybe OM ... maybe not .. I have no way of knowing) Sunday morning at 5am I agreed to go with her to see her brother in jail before he is sentenced and possibly moved, I hope to avoid any R talks but this is a long drive, who knows ... and her stress level will be high so I will need all my wits about me.
I have no expectations, but I am also not happy with where I am mentally and emotionally ... this time last week I felt strong and secure with myself .. then I allowed her in my head again. I let her words "I want to try" actually affect me and let myself get hopeful when her actions show nothing of the sort and I get frustrated .... I know its a long road .. and one filled with many back and forths ... just venting I suppose as I have watched telling these types of things to anyone close to me.
