Hi, D-day was 5 weeks ago. H had an affair with a much younger woman (which lasted for 3 weeks). When I found out he ended it immediately- there has been NC- I'm positive of that. I found out and he told me he's been unhappy in our marriage for years. 6 months ago we learned that a friend had an affair and I sat him down to see if we were ok and he emphatically said yes. He now realizes that was his opportunity to tell me that he how unhappy he was. I can go into why he was unhappy but the facts are that he told me he still loves me and wants to make our marriage work although he's not sure that it can or that he'll be happy with me. I did a lot of snooping before I read how terrible it is (not to mention learned how awful it made me feel), and saw that he sometimes feels like he needs a clean slate, that quiet family life isn't enough for him, that he's unhappy with his job and that could be contributing to this, that he's feeling like he's getting older and that's upsetting him (MLC), that he's thought about separating to see if he really wants to stay with me, but when I asked if that's what he wants he says no because he doesn't want to give up on us. In an email that I read he said he didn't want to open that can of worms with our children (2). He doesn't want me to go on his free incentive trip that he won at work, although he also said if I don't go that he won't go either. All mixed messages. I'm trying to stay positive that we are in MC and he's contributing more & more. He's the type of person who sweeps things under the rug and then EXPLODES when they become too much. That's what's happened here. I'm following the 180's and one of his issues with me was that I wasn't affectionate enough so now I'm being cool and affectionate at the same time. For example, when he comes home from work I give him a big smile and let him come to me for the hug & kiss. Then I make it a good kiss. Anyway, I'm sure I'm leaving things out. I wish I wasn't here but I'm glad that I found you. One of my good friends IRL says that this forum saved her mind & her marriage when she was in crisis. Right now things are still so raw. It's hard for me to hear that the man I've been with for 17 years is so angry with me that he'd have an affair for me to pay attention to him. I should mention that I take full responsibility for my terrible behavior towards him but NOT for the affair itself. We had a lot of terrible life events happen (death, miscarriage, relocation, PPD after the birth of both children) happen during the last 7 years and I took a lot of that out on him. I was immature and did not handle things properly. I own it and I've apologized. But as our MC says, I don't deserve a second chance to fix this, I deserve a first chance. He needs to get over his anger towards me because of his failure to communicate. Then we can start fixing the marriage. Any advice or support you can give me would be appreciated. I'm scared and sad. I don't want to divorce. I love my husband, despite his horrible mistake. Thanks.
