Maybell X

[Maybell]

Georgiabelle, that's not hurtful, that's why I came to ask opinions. He has been paying everything, and I think his intention is to continue. He would not be able to face his family if he abandoned us financially and he knows that's the first place I would turn if he did. So that's not really the question so much as whether he's in the sort of downward spiral that would leave him unable to meet his obligations.

But your point about my financial security is well taken.

[labug]

I'm no expert either and GB is right, all you can control is you. Living with a parent with any sort of mental illness can be harmful but some kids do just fine. Those that tend to do best have lots of love and support and security from the other people around them.

So you think your H is drinking? That's a whole 'nother can-o-worms.

[Maybell]

Oh, I'm sure he's drinking. He drank more than I was happy with for many years. I believe his dad is alcoholic though nobody will acknowledge it. Before my H left he was drinking more than half a bottle of wine every evening, and a beer or two on top of it. He's not a big guy.

I do not want to acknowledge that he's alcoholic now or heading towards it but it has been a worry of mine for a long, long time. Even during the good times.

Yes, I know. AlAnon. It's on my plate, Labug, really. I will get there. I'm digging myself out from under a ton of bricks.

[SunnyB]

Here's another question: Is divorce incrementally more hurtful to kids than having your father go off the deep end and leave the family? If the worst that can happen is for him to leave then is divorce worse?

I'm not sure why I'm asking this. If we divorce we will have to sell the house and move and that will add hurt to the kids, not only in losing their home but also in the gravity and finality of the action. So yes, divorce is then incrementally worse for all five of us.

Maybell, I wonder this, too. My huge issue all along with H moving out is having to tell the kids. To me, that alone is the major hurdle, and whether we are S or D is secondary. In my mind, once they see that dad has walked out on the family, the paperwork is meaningless.

But I understand about the house, too. I have consulted two L, one says sell the house, one says I can keep it. But if H agrees to keep paying for everything, then there's no question we will stay. And the only way he's going to keep paying for everything is if there's no legal action, no D. So I'm in the same boat there.

My plan for the moment is to let him move out, get my ducks in a row, and watch our finances like a hawk. The moment he missteps, I'll file. Until then, my kids and I will stay put.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

Whether it's a D, S, mentally ill and or addicted parent, ultimately you will do the best you can. You can try to minimize damage and ultimately the other parent will be who they are. Life throws many curveballs at ALL of us and while we hate to see our kids suffer, we can only do our best for them. That's all we've got.

I don't know much about ADD, however I do know my h drinks a great deal now. Probably not a good combo for him with his other issues. That's not for me to control. He does have rather limited contact with them (few hours a week) so all I can do is be alert for safety concerns. Again, you are their primary caretaker and you can only control what you can.

RPP (sorry for hijack Maybelll), I was terrified to tell the kids too. My stbxh said not one word. That is one thing that makes me cry is their faces. I don't say this to scare you-it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. However, we got through. They were completely blindsided as my stbxh always told then d was never an option. They didn't even know what that was. When I told them we needed to talk, they asked if we were having another baby. So innocent and heartbreaking. However, after that conversation they know they can ask me anything. The house is much calmer and even stbx mil says the kids seem more content now. It doesn't mean they aren't hurt or confused. I've just tried to explain as best I can. I love them. I'm always here for them. Their Dad loves them, however I do say he is going through something. I don't know how he will be in the future. I never say anything bad although I try to be honest as well. It can be a fine line.

Again, regardless of what happens, you will be great! I'm not saying there won't be any pain or suffering. Just know you and you children will make it through regardless of what happens.

Hang in there:)

[Maybell]

My kids have not reacted much at all. When asked, my D says nothing is that different because H was always traveling anyway. I don't think she really thinks this, but I am having a hard time getting her to talk about it so I'm just doing the best I can to encourage her.

My sons hurt me because they've stopped saying they miss him, they've stopped asking when they can spend time with him, they've stopped asking when they can call him. S8 doesn't answer his texts anymore. They're happy to go with him and just as happy to come home. I try to remind them that he loves them. That's all I can do.

My daughter asked the other day if I was coming to Thanksgiving with them and I had to say I didn't think so. She wasn't at all happy about that. But she didn't say anything. I just could see her face. It was hard not to be angry with him about that.

I don't think his drinking is so much a problem that the kids are unsafe with him. I do think he's out of control. At best he's deep in replay/MLC.

I took my ring off today. I'll probably call the lawyer and schedule the meeting to talk about the separation. I'm still contemplating if that's because I'm angry with him for being out so late all week or if it's truly something I need to do to protect myself and the kids.

I don't know who he is any more. I feel sad about that. He was my good guy.

And I know I'll be great. But it is wrong.

[mdu]

Maybell,

are you absolutely certain that you would have to sell the house if you D? I thought this was a sure thing too, and really upset by it, but then started evaluating finances much more closely and realized I could probably negotiate with H and make it work. It's something that stressed me a lot and I get the impression it does you too, just trying to make sure you've explored all options. It was a big relief when I started figuring out how to work it out to stay in the house with the kids. There are no guarantees but I felt I would have a strong case for a judge. It started to take some pressure off for me.

Hugs to you!

[Maybell]

This house and its upkeep are way more than I need. They were a little excessive even with a functional marriage, but this was intended to be the house our kids were teenagers in so it wasn't too much of a stretch. Just the upkeep is an obscene amount of money every month and I can think of better things to do with my money than that.

But I'm going to probably talk to the lawyer soon. I just want to make sure I'm making a good decision intellectually and not because I'm mad that H took his apartment key back without telling me and has been staying out till the wee hours on a business trip.

[Maybell]

I had a long talk with a friend today whose parents divorced after an A when he was 9. He HATED everything about it. And I see that it still follows him and his wife (who had a similar experience) to this day. But he said he thinks my H doesn't have enough responsibility in his life and so it's making it too easy for him to coast. And he says that from his own struggles and being forced to move out of them.

I've been struggling with what to do. Moving forward with a legal agreement because I'm worried about my H's direction. He's significantly cooler with me since I told him he wasn't a romantic contender at the moment and I think I need to let that be because maybe he's going to actually think (he called the kids at 11 his time rather than 1:30... for what that's worth. Which is probably nothing). Or maybe he's just mad at me and thinks I'm a hypocrite.

He'll think what he thinks. I wish I could take it back... and also I'm glad it's out there. So we'll see what happens. I don't want him thinking he can trample me. I've done a lot wrong, even this deep into the process. The only thing I can say is, it wasn't unprovoked. But I'm trying to do better.

Happy weekend, friends.

[Maybell]

Kids today wanted an at-home day. They'll be in pjs on electronics for a couple of hours and I'm choosing my next book. Wine night with the ladies last night and church tomorrow. One of the ladies last night is a single mom who goes to the church we've been visiting. She's very friendly and I'm looking forward to getting to know her. She invited me to a book club too. Is it weird to say it's nice to feel pursued?

Nothing from H, except I told him to stay out of the house unless we'd agreed first. He did offer to make me a key to his apartment.

I'm sure I'm doing everything wrong. When I changed my signature to say "8/13-4/14 beg&plead" I realized how badly I'd treated myself and for HOW LONG I trampled on myself. Not to speak of how I trampled him. I suppose I'm overcompensating now. I know I'm supposed to be light & breezy, and I did try on Monday. I was going to follow that with a but, which I know undoes every good thing that comes before it. So I won't.

In talking to my friend last night about his parents' divorce, I asked him what I could do to make all this easier on the kids. His answers were:

1) talk to the kids and explain what's going on as best I can. The worst is not knowing what's happening.

2) give them the opportunity to talk to me (and H, but I can't control that), and don't delegate it to a counselor. If they need additional counseling that's fine, but they don't want to share their fears with a stranger, they want to share with the people who love them. Basically, be emotionally available.

3) friend said seeing his dad every two weeks was not enough, that he turned to other male adults to fill that role, and that got him into trouble, because at 13 your judgment about a good father figure isn't there. So part of my job, if H can't meet his responsibilities to the kids, is to make sure there are people in their lives who will fill that role responsibly.

I am friends equally with both this dad and his wife. I get together with them separately and together. Their marriage is a struggle for them and yet separately their love and commitment to each other shines out blindingly at me. I wish they could see and hear from each other what I see and hear. Maybe it would help.

That makes me think about my marriage and how I would see things if I could have had better perspective. It makes the idea of detaching make more sense.

New goal: become a better listener.

And as far as self-care, I slept better last night, so that's one thing. And I commit to a home manicure-pedicure tonight.