Need to figure out how to move forward (thread #4)

[shodan]

Train, Starsky...per usual, thank you for your comments, insight and feedback. It is not fear that is keeping me from strictly enforcing the boundaries/filing for the D. A few things are going through my head...

One, my controlling behavior, or more specifically her perception of my controlling behavior, is the big issue in play here. She has mentioned it SO MANY times as the reason that she asked for the D. She said that she could not stay in a M a minute longer with the way that I was controlling her and our lives. She did not like the future that she was envisioning. I fully admit to having these tendencies. I see it in my dad and know that many things that we do and say can be influenced primarily by genetics. My dad is SUPER controlling and my mom has just learned to deal with it. My W does not want to be like my mom (she has said this countless times). So while she is saying "see, your demanding me to show you my texts, not text certain people, etc. shows that you are controlling" does follow the WAW/H playback, it is actually a concern of my W from before the A.

Two, my W is SUPER stubborn. She hates being told what to do unless she wants the guidance. I once convinced her to take a kickboxing class with me and she was so annoyed with the instructor who was telling her how to do certain things (keep your hands up, do this with you leg, etc.) that she never went back to the class. Another example....we have used two dog trainers with my dog and she basically refuses to listen to their advice. she will complain when the dog does certain things and does not listen to her, but refuses to be involved in the training and refuses to reinforce the rules. This is not a new thing since the A. She just likes to do things her way. Another example...she buys "KIND" bars at the kiosk at her work. The price is basically what they would charge at an airport...super overpriced. A woman who works for her will tell her that she is paying too much money, should just get a bunch of them from the grocery store and save $2 per bar, etc. My W has complained to me countless times about this woman and her comments.

Three, my W needs to feel me pulling away without me going into d*ck mode. When we first started dating, we were great friends but she did not want to ruin our friendship by starting to date. I was very direct with her and told her that I was not looking to date. I told her that we had a chance at something real and lasting. She still balked so I asked a female friend for advice. Her advice was to hook up with someone else and get her jealous. So I did that. The next weekend my W asked me to go to her parent's house in VT with her and I said no, that I had plans. She later told me that she was so annoyed by that but also find my cockiness very attractive. A week later we were out at a bar and she kissed me. One week later we went on our first date and told each other that we loved each other. Three months later we moved in together. So ultimatums will not get my W to be attracted to me again. She needs to feel that she is losing me and apparently wants me to be a little cocky. Filing for the D may be needed to show her that I am serious but for now I am showing that in other ways. So how I am showing that...I am going out, I mention to her woman at my work, I talk to woman at yoga in front of her and make many comments about moving on. Unlike past trips to NYC, she is going to NYC next week and is texting me her potential travel itineraries and that she is on the last flight back on Tues night. I told her to stay Tues night and all week if she wants. I have plans on Wednesday night and told her that I would get a sitter. I told her to stay all week but she said via text "no I don't want to be away more than necessary."

Four, she is starting to do nice things for me. When we talked this weekend, I told her that the reason I still had feelings for her was that I was doing loving things for her bu that to protect myself those nice things were going to stop. I told her that she had not done a single thing for me since that fateful day in June except buy me a magazine once. I told her that if you want your feelings to come back, you need to start acting in a loving way and doing loving things. They will not magically reappear. She seems to be trying now.

Could she be playing me to bring me back into the fold of options A/B? Sure, but it won't work if I don't come back. I am being polite but not overly friendly. When she mentions an issue, I will listen and then say "wow, sounds like you have a lot to think about" and then I move on to something else. I am not getting pulled into any drama. But I need to listen b/c I know I will come across as being a d*ck if I do not, which is not good.

So when will I say "ok, time to sh&t or get off the pot...here are my parameters/boundaries, are you in or out?" I am not sure exactly. But I know right now I don't have the pains in my chest that I used to have because I am standing strong and 100% prepared to walk away from my M.