What to do with my Picnic now?

[bustingout]

I didn't realize how much time has passed since I last posted. School started three weeks ago and it's just been full on as bother a teacher and a parent! All is good with me and the kids. I waned to let out some thoughts about H.

I am scared. Really and I didn't expect it. I am not afraid of being alone (anymore) I am afraid to trust my H whether we R or not.

I have adapted the upbeat and cheery role prescribed from the start so well that it has become a part of me especially with H. I can stop borrowing trouble from the future, I am a whiz at making the scared little girl inside be quiet and I can strap on my big girl pants in a flash. I know how and I have used these tools so consistently it is effortless now.

Yet- I feel like I am in a whole new place now. H travelled back to Dubai for work 2.5 weeks ago. We speak frequently on the phone and have exchanged so light hearted and fun texts. Nothing intimate nothing romantic nothing reassuring. His guard is still up. However - He tells me to take care when we hang up. (Wow it's so nice to hear that) and one time before I realized what I said, (i said we miss you so much!) he said 'I do too'. That one had me on cloud nine for awhile. He also asks how I am- and sometimes we share our days - not erg a lot of detail, but shared.

So- I stay positive and hopeful. I sometimes force myself to trust him even when I don't quite yet. I wonder if he is really up for this I wonder if I will ever feel safe with him- or anyone else for that matter. I wonder if he will really ever care about what happened. I wonder when my feelings will matter to him- if ever. Lots of what ifs.

I know that's all in a future that may or may not exist. I don't know what's meant to be. So I comfort myself in knowing that I don't have to be scared because I won't settle for anything less than being appreciated, respected, cared for and loved. I won't select for anything less than an authentic relationship built in trust.

I also try and be honest with him without pushing him away. I am pretty sure he thinks my upbeat and cheery perspective is because I think me and him are 'fixed'. I made it clear to him that this is just who I am - I am not living in the future nor do I think we are R am all is well.

Anyway- I realize he doesn't really know me anymore. Maybe that will change one day who knows.

So that's all for now. He should be back in two more weeks. I have a party to go to tonight so I am gonna think about what to wear ..! Lol

Xxx