Maybell X

[Maybell]

Sigh. I know you are right. And yes, I would never have let this sort of thing pass unchallenged if I'd read it elsewhere.

The best thing to come of all this, aside from how much freer and stronger I feel in myself, is the massive improvement in my relationships with my brothers. Those have been completely transformed and I'm so grateful. I'm not going to let them wither again.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.

[Eatsma]

It's so funny Maybell...

Two weeks ago I said to my IC, "I'm going to be okay."

And she said to me, "I like what you just said there."

"What?" I asked her.

"You said, 'I'm going to be okay.' That's good."

And I thought, "Oh hell no...I totally don't believe that. I'm just saying that!"

But then I have days where I really just drop the rope and say, "It doesn't matter anymore. All will be okay no matter what happens, because this just stinks."

[claire7]

Maybell,
Just wanted to respond to the stuff about your parents. Personally, I've spent a lot of my IC hours trying to work out my complicated R with my parents.

Is it possible that your family is acting out of love and 'defending your honor' in a way? I know, if that's true, you'd think that they would be able to respect your wishes about the whole thing. But people and feelings are funny in their irrationality.

As helpless and out of control we feel, our parents are hurting, too, on our behalf. It must be hard to see us go through this, be treated this way by a person they 'gave us away' to (i don't mean that literally, but I hope that makes sense).

We cannot control anyone but ourselves, but we can set some boundaries. You can state your wishes to your mom, but you cannot control what she does. You can, however, hide her posts from view. You can also choose to let anyone who sees her post think whatever the heck they want to read. Maybe they are reading a lot about your sitch into that post, and just as likely, maybe they are not. Who knows.

What are you doing to take care of yourself this week, dear Maybell?

[Maybell]

Claire, we were thinking of one another at the same time!!! I just finished a post on your thread.

I have plans with friends tomorrow day and tomorrow evening. Fun stuff on Saturday with the kids, several options. Lots of laundry running through my new machines.

My poor parents have been through the mill the last few months between my H, my little brother's family court crisis, and their own impending move. They are not good at coping with trouble, they are highly interfering, and they don't have a ton of compassion for others. (My mom told me a couple of weeks ago how to buy light bulbs. I'm *42* years old!!) they are loving but very easily offended and bad communicators. From age 15 to age 21 I struggled fiercely with my frustrations and then at 22 decided I could be right or I could have a family. Pretty mature, right? Except that "having a family" to me meant "just shut up and take whatever." Which works fine in good times and horribly in bad times.

Gee, I wonder why my marriage is struggling?

I hesitated before I asked her to take down the post but decided it was more direct than fretting over it. I see I should have let it be but I was trying to be healthier. So healthier will have to be expressed differently with them. I'm learning.

[pilot]

Maybell, I would hazard a guess your dad thinks he is protecting you. From his vantage point he sees you sitting back and taking what your H has done. I seriously doubt he is aware of the depths of your efforts and understanding of what is going on. For him, he has the male and fatherly instinct to protect his baby girl, in spite of herself (from his viewpoint). He probably just does not get what you are up to.

Keep at it!

[Maybell]

Underdog, Labug, anybody...

If letting go doesn't mean not standing, then what does standing mean?

[vossy]

I think it means not giving up, but letting yourself believe that "whatever will be, will be."

But that's just my 0.2 cents

[Maybell]

Here's another question: Is divorce incrementally more hurtful to kids than having your father go off the deep end and leave the family? If the worst that can happen is for him to leave then is divorce worse?

I'm not sure why I'm asking this. If we divorce we will have to sell the house and move and that will add hurt to the kids, not only in losing their home but also in the gravity and finality of the action. So yes, divorce is then incrementally worse for all five of us.

H has been staying out till 1:30 or later every night this week, including the night of the day he flew in on the redeye. I know this because of when he calls the kids. Last night he didn't call or text and said it was because his phone battery died. Which is maybe the second time in the last five years that has happened. It was almost two his time when he texted me that.

I'm beginning to worry that his behavior is getting so bad that he could eventually lose his job. So I'm revisiting the idea of the legal separation, because that would transfer sizable resources into my sole custody and protect them in the event he does go the rest of the way off the deep end. I looked at the draft the lawyer sent me and there is an option that would keep me in the house in the meantime, and if the worst did happen, his share of the assets would cover the house payments & maintenance until I could sell it in the spring. But I don't think he'd lose his job that quickly unless he's doing a lot more than I suspect.

No, I haven't discussed this with him. Frankly, I don't trust him to be honest with me. But I thought I'd sound it out here first and see what the clearer perspectives might say.

I never in my wildest dreams expected to be in this pickle.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

I'm no expert. I'm not a child of divorce and neither is my stbxh. D is pretty frowned upon in both families and my stbxh's family is extremely family focused.

Is having a dad who is there in body but absent otherwise better than a D? Honestly, I don't know. My h's behavior was so frightening (some discussed here and some not) that for me, safety became a true concern. I'm not saying that is your sitch. My h has never mentioned D to the kids so I have explained that is what is happening. My older 2 also know their is something wrong with their Dad as he is not the same man he was when they were younger. Their therapist is aware of his mental health issues and MLC. I'm not sure if your kids see a C. I know your h travels a great deal whereas my kids were used to their Dad always being at home. You are the primary caregiver so it falls you. I can relate to the difficult position.

Just remember, you have zero control over your h's behavior. You only have control over you and your financial security is very important. I don't say this to scare you-just know people can change behaviors so make sure you are protected. I believe your h has been paying everything, however it does appear his top priority is himself. I don't say that to be hurtful.

Never hurts to have your ducks in a row. Hope you have something planned for the weekend. :-)

[labug]

I think Bets meant letting go doesn't mean not standing.

Letting go means letting go. You figure you out and give him space to figure him out.

If you find yourself feeling healthy and strong and ready for... something else and he's not there yet you might decide to move on. That's in the future, you don't have to decide that now.

whatever arises, you'll be up to the challenge so try not to anticipate too much.

About your parents, sometimes we have to have boundaries with them, too, in order to maintain a healthy R. It may never be a fairytale R but it can be healthy from your side. Their emotions aren't your responsibility. (remember we share a very similar family emotional setup )

Day by day.