Wow. CRAZY 48 hours. Being detached is much, much easier when there's minimal contact. Here's the recap of the last 3 exchanges, notice the rollercoaster:
Monday: She emails me stating she f'd up, had a drunken summer, saw someone briefly, broke it off, is lost, and doesn't want to divorce someone that has changed into someone she likes. I replied and just validated, and added "I'm still willing to listen" to indicate I wasn't closing the door.
Last night: She emails me again stating how trapped she is, spews a TON of venom about the situation, references the D, talks about how I can date if I wanted to and she's stuck, lonely, no companionship, etc. I replied again and validated, also adding it wasn't fair that I played such a role in it and she was the one in that spot, but that I took no pleasure over seeing someone I cared about suffer.
Tonight: After I was leaving from my kid visit she followed me outside, said 'I'm not doing so well. Thanks for listening', then proceeded to give me a hug that was so, so long...but yet so short.
Listen- I have been meditating for 15-20 minutes a day, really allowing myself to be ok regardless of what happens around me. But just for the moment I can tell you that hug was the most satisfying moment I can remember. Maybe you can relate. OK- now back to what DB Coach said.
She told me to wait until STBX verbalized confliction, then to talk about the middle road. Something like "the decisions we're making will be significant for our family. we want to be at our best when making those decisions. Neither of us is in a spot to recommit to a marriage or move back in together. Would it make sense to take a 'time out' and just put things on hold?" There would be more to it than that, but the idea would be to propose moving the D to a separation where we would co-parent and maybe get to know each other again.
Anyway, not sending that email tonight. Probably just a short follow up in regards to a couple of comments she made. She mentioned seeing a married couple she was friends with that she hasn't seen in a long time. She said it helped her a lot. In addition to 1-2 miscellaneous things I'm going to ask her in what way it helped to see if she'll share. OH- FYI, she's made a POINT of telling me where she's going and who she's seeing. I don't believe it's mind reading as it's so blatant (I saw my old friend Tyler today, don't worry, he's gay). So she is being considerate and sensitive to how I might feel in light of her short fling.
Thoughts or comments welcome, but again...slow...detached...her pace...but man, what a hug!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
