Pretty in Pink

[GoatGal]

Wonka,

I hope today was better for you.

I thought a lot about your responses and how we all have to decide what we can and can't put up with in our relationships.

For example, I am not a religious person by any stretch, but my best friend is an Evangelical Christian. We love each other, and have lots in common, have incredible times together.

But on that particular topic, we agree to disagree.
Neither one of us will change our minds and we accept that about each other.

We occasionally dance around the topic--very respectfully--just to share our thoughts.
But it's not integral to our friendship, even though it is a big part of how we define ourselves.

I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes friendships can be forged in ways we would never have expected.
I think there is a good possibility of a real friendship with Ms. Wonka if that's what you want. It just might look--different.

We are always being told here that in MLC we should never expect an apology for their actions, and that when things are over and done, to let it go if we want to move forward.

Of course, it's our right to want that apology, that recognition for our being wronged, but wanting that and getting it are two different things.

And I am not in any way trying to tell you what to do, I would not presume to do so.

You must do whatever it is that will serve you best long term, and let you sleep easily at night.

Anyhow, I'm thinking of you today and all the wonderful help you have given me.

If I can be of any help--even if it's to piss you off so you're focused on spanking me---that's a good thing.




--GGG

[Wonka]

Hey Gang!

I am bone tired and will hit the pillow shortly. Today, I have gained some clarity and new insights. Will post later...most probably over the weekend or early next week.

GGG,

I do owe you an apology for what I typed did not come across clearly and I can see how you would feel some offense.

(Heck, if I can stand there and hear GUBU tell me about OW leaving, and how it is really insignificant, and I can hold it together and not stick an ice-pick in his eyeball, you can suck it up a bit about OW. IF YOU WANT TO.)

That's the beauty of having choices...no? I want to do this on MY own terms and not have stuff shoved in my face. I can be pretty headstrong when I feel, sense, see, or hear people trying to get me to do something that I am NOT COMFORTABLE with at all.

The last part was not directed to you per se...I was thinking about Ms. Wonka when I typed that last part about having 'stuff shoved in my face'. It was in reference to her latest email trying to shove the OW down my throat. Not you, GGG! Good Lord...no no...noooo!

Hope this helps.

Sometimes I think you guys can read my mind as I type things because Ms. Wonka's email response was very much on my mind when I made that comment. Should know better by now, eh? Blame it on my imaginary friend! LOL.

[GoatGal]

(((Wonkie))))


I didn't interpret that to be negative or about me, so no worries!

I know you well enough to understand that's not how you would respond.

Even though it's your personal situation and therefore a bit tickley, I wouldn't think even then you'd be snarky.
It's not your style.

You're more like smooth caramel....

As for choices, heck yeah, you got 'em.

It looks to me like you're holding a lot more cards than first meets the eye.
You've got one heck of an arsenal of relationship skills!

---GGG

[GoatGal]

Oh.. now I'm thinking, did I come across as offended?

I have to read back---but I didn't mean to sound that way.

Group Hug.

GGG out.

[Wonka]

Hey Gang,

I'm back as promised. Well, Bug saved me some time today as I saw this quote she posted in another thread today that encapsulates my current thought process exceedingly well:

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” Pema Chodron

Thank you, Bug!!!

I can now leave here since Bug already did the work for me. (hearing shrill screaming from the chorus here....) Ok, ok...chill! Will stay and keep on with the post.

I must confess here: I am sure glad that the Universe stepped in and "decommissioned" my smartphone. Upon reflection, when I respond to Ms. Wonka's emails immediately, they've been based on ego and not very deliberate nor well-thought out. Sometimes Ms. Wonka's comments DO push my buttons and I go right into a defensive mode. Gee...ego vs. cool-headed Mr. Spock. Fortunately, Mr. Spock is in charge now. Mr. Spock still remembers vividly how he got pretty beat up by the ego in that very dimly lit, dark alley. Never again!

What I would like to do when interacting with Ms. Wonka going forward is to be calm and articulate as I do see quite clearly that Ms. Wonka is really wanting to keep the dialogue open. Although her latest missive came across like a bull in a china store that was a bit hot-headed. I have to say the only negative about Ms. Wonka is that she has a very stubborn streak and will push hard for what she strongly believes in. That can be very very good in certain situations and can be very bad in others...like the recent email missive.

Going forward, I will need to remind myself consciously that my criteria for communicating with Ms. Wonka will be:

-is it loving?
-is it supportive (within reason)?
-is it done without any recrimination?
-it done without any bitterness?
-is it respectful?
-does it come from a place that is truly authentic?
-is it filled with integrity?

Over the last three days, I have received the very exact same consistent messages very clearly from the Universe through various mediums:

Be persistent

'Kay! You have it. I have questions for you, Universe!

-How can I be persistent without steamrolling?
-What about the free-will choices of Ms. Wonka?
-What about the free-will choices that I have?
-How can one marry free-will with persistence??!

I don't have clear answers to these questions. I will just do my best following my own criteria from above.

After careful and deliberate thought, I've decided to keep the door to friendship open because we just opened lines of communication back in March 2014 after nearly 10 years of zero, real communication. It is at the infant stage...only 6 months out. I need to be realistic and reasonable about the overall picture here. I'm not going to slap her away just because she made a really insensitive comment and she's human too. She's allowed her allotted amount of mistakes.

This does not necessarily mean that she can keep on making the same ones over and over without some constructive feedback from me. What this means is that it is my responsibility to convey and communicate my needs in a clear way without any ambiguity...and to re-emphasize them if Ms. Wonka breaches them once. I believe in giving people the opportunity to step up after receiving some feedback. Ms. Wonka isn't a b!tch or acting like an ass at all.

What needs to happen at some point is for Ms. Wonka to have a pretty pretty deep understanding of what she's done wrong and I think she's a long way off from that. I am willing to bet that she's nowhere near this and nor is willing or able to acknowledge it. I am going to table this for some other time for we both are quite tentative toward each other and I am not going to come down gang busters on Ms. Wonka.

I think this is a good plan...no?

[Wonka]

Movie continued....Pretty in Pink, that is...not mine.

I've come to this real nice realization recently:

I am absolutely fearless.

I am finally at a place where I am not actually afraid of the possibility that Ms. Wonka and I may not be able to continue our friendship. Sure, I'll be sad. But not fearful of that particular outcome if it actually comes right down to it.

Utterly freeing feeling! Sweet.

What this does is to allow me to do more is putting out some 'truth darts' her way and letting them go by being more detached from how she receives/perceives them. Ms. Wonka's feelings and reactions are hers to own. I cannot be responsible for them. Not really agonizing over the impact too much as I did in the past because it comes from my own truth and being my true, authentic self.

Sometimes we get too caught up in managing the information and not paying attention to what is REALLY being said. It is sound practice to continue developing good listening skills so that one can hear the message being sent. This entails an awareness and consideration of the message one being received and sent out.

Supporting the other person means encouraging them along the path by providing positive feedback and support. These are opportunities to teach boundaries and structure. Not only is your language important but also the way you interact with those around you by extending some common courtesies to them.

This is not a multi-national summit by 20 nations coming together to negotiate and trying to come to an agreement with supplements that total 500-pages worth of disclaimers, caveats, and punitive actions.

In the business world, we develop contracts and send out RFPs with measured deliverables and performance measures. A written contract generally serves as a record of the terms of an agreement to prevent misunderstanding and conflict at a later time thereby creating a legal, binding and enforceable obligation.

Friendship?? Forget about measurable deliverables, outcomes, quotas, statutory requirements, and contract terms. It has no place in a friendship.

Forget it! It doesn't happen that way at all.

Friendships are fluid and flexible within reason.

So I want to keep my approach to Ms. Wonka as positive and encouraging rather than 'correcting', and be more patient with her.

Make sense?

[Wonka]

Drats!!! My Pats lost to .....a Dolphin! C'mon!

[GoatGal]

Wonka, Glad you're back.

Now I'm going back to read all the above ^^^^ goodies.



---GGG

[GoatGal]

Wow, Woman.

When you think, you THINK!

Mr. Spock?
Heck no!
MS. SPOCK!

---GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

This is sort of my diary. I'm an internal processer by nature and writing it all out here helps me see things a bit more clearly. Ms. Spock? Hmmm...that's an interesting thought!