Need to figure out how to move forward (thread #4)

[shodan]

The last few days have been interesting. I went dark/plan B on Thursday night and did not speak more than a few sentences to my W until Monday afternoon. Finally, I decided to say something (I know, bad move) by asking about NYC and whether or not she planned to move there. I told her that "you clearly love NYC and the energy that it brings you. I get it. You feel free there, no responsibilities. Why don't you move there and see if this is what you really want?" Note, I said this in a nice tone. We talked for about three hours after this. We went through all of her and my issues (she was open to hearing my issues about the marriage). She harped on how controlling I am and that she does not like the future she sees with me when I act that way. It is a non-starter for her. She said that I have been more controlling in the past three months than I was before she asked for the D. I find this pretty interesting and listened.

We then talked about the stress of our lives and how we should have corrected it long ago. We were living too much for our kids, their schedules, etc. and not enough for us individually and as a couple. She then went to the store but came back 15 min later. While she was gone, I started thinking and realized that what had made me feel pretty better those past few days was the detachment. While I love my W with all of my heart, being with her brings back the pain (hard). The pain was partially due to what she has done, but a lot of it was from the uncertainty. Will she come back ever? Will we do this for 12 months and then she decides her feelings have not come back and we get a D? If that is our future, I decided that I wanted no part of that uncertainty and limbo. So when she got back, we started talking again and finally I asked if she wanted to work on the M. She said yes but that she was not sure how her feelings would come back. She told me that she loved me but her feelings were gone. FYI...she said it was not a sexual thing...our sex has always been great and she is sexually attracted to me.

With that said by her, I commented that I was ready to move on. It was my first choice but that I needed to protect myself. I told her that I did not deserve this pain and did not deserve to live in a sex less, affection less, attention less marriage. I said that I deserve better, as did she. and then I said that frankly this whole process has been exhausting. If she did not want to work on our M and commit to a loving, mature relationship with no outside distractions, then we should just call it like it is.

This seemed to wake her up a bit. She kept saying that she was scared and very cautious. When she would see good stuff that I was doing, I would then back track and be super controlling (NOTE: the only time I have showed any anger, I think, had to do with her texting on the phone and the OM...I know I needed to not care, but it did make me angry). My controlling behavior showed her that I was not going to change. She also commented that everything that I have done is not the real me. It is not sustainable.

I listened and then just stated that I loved the "new" me and he was here to stay. The new me is moving forward in his life, with or without her. I told her that I could no longer continue to have my heart stomped on and that she might wake up from this fog someday and realize what she had lost, but that I might not be there.

Overall, ironically, it was actually a very "loving" conversation. Per usual, we can talk for hours. Later, a neighbor invited us over for a BBQ. Our kids wanted us to go, so we went and had a great time.

So where do we stand now...I am being friendly b/c if I go true Plan B, I come across as a d*ck. But through my actions and words, I am moving forward but allowing her to decide a path back. I am going to my guitar lesson tonight and have being going to yoga everyday. Convos and texts with her are limited to the kids, although we did talk for 30 min today on the phone about the whole working mom/living in the suburbs/feels own pressure to be good mom and good at job/has no peers where we live thing. I mentioned to her that another family we know is dealing with the same issues. Two working parents, young kids, no time for themselves or each other. Again, we connect on a very deep level, which is why this is so hard.

But for my own sanity, I need to move forward. When I do that, and envision a future without her, my pain lessens. My chest and heart do not hurt as much. I don't want this future, but I cannot stop her from going there if that is what she wants. And at some point, I will reach a point where limbo is no longer an option for me. If she cannot commit to our M, then I will file for D. I have not decided when that time/date is.

Ultimately, she needs time and space to think. I need to practice patience and also just not care about her texting or potential meetings with the OM. She will not see a completely "dark" version of me since that shows my d*ck side even if I do not mean to (but being super curt with someone can come across that way obviously).

on a bright side, she made me coffee this morning. I won't read into it but did want to note it.