Am I on the right track?

[Nitty]

Nitty, what do you mean by "H agrees to a form of MC?" I would like for my WW to go to a marriage saving seminar as a last resort. How did you get your WH to agree to MC? Was it regular MC or a last-resort seminar? I've heard horror stories about MC, so I'm not too optimistic about that route, especially since my WW has already told me she doesn't want to go to MC.

First, nmwb123, don't insist that your WW go to MC. I did that and it backfired on me. I did my research and found an excellent MC, H said he liked him, but the truth was that H was not ready and (unknown to me) was not willing to be totally honest at that point about the extent of his A. After a few sessions he left me and said he would never, EVER go to MC. He has maintained that opinion ever since.

Everybody's sitch is different, only you know what's best, but if I had to do it over again I wouldn't have insisted on anything. In the beginning I bought him books, sent him links to articles, did all sorts of stuff. All I can say is back off from that. You can't do MC if there is an ongoing A. It just will not work.

Now we are currently in D mediation, instigated by H. Our mediator is not an atty but a C who does D mediation as well as business and family negotiation. His specialty is described here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/conflict-resolution-therapy.html

When we started I asked H to consider the conflict resolution as an alternative to MC but H refused, said he was "done" and "through" and we only needed the D mediation services. Note that I suggested it and he said no. He is still opposing pretty much anything I suggest.

But when the mediator proposed communication skill-building to be done concurrently with mediation, stressing that it would help us streamline the process of D as well as help us in other family Rs, H agreed to participate.

It is not MC. But it can help us keep from fighting during D mediation so that's why I called it "a form of MC". He seems to have moved from being "done" to being "in reconciliation" in his head, somehow. I don't know how it happened. Who can fathom these MLCers?

Tomorrow he may reject it, just as he rejected traditional MC. Maybe he'll reject it next session. Or perhaps he'll stick with it and decide he wants traditional MC, too. Who knows?

I am trying to have No Expectatons and constantly remind myself that these MLCers dance forward and back, forward and back. Just because he's dancing forward right now, in my direction, doesn't mean anything. He has done this before and will probably dance back again.

What helped me the most has been reading hundreds and hundreds of the threads here, seeing what worked for people and what hasn't, again stressing that everyone's sitch is different. I hired a DB coach, too, who helped me through a rough spot.

There are no guarantees, but it isn't over yet. Be cooperative in D in that you do what you are supposed to do and protect your rights, but don't do anything else. If she wants this D let her do all the grunt work for it. In my case, my H paid for mediation, but after three sessions still has not completed his paperwork. You can bet your sweet bippy I will not do it for him.

Time is on your side. It is, as Cadet says, "a gift". Use it wisely, not to pursue her but to better yourself.