Apparently, my diarrhea of the keyboard isn't finished.
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This is HIS problem. If the answer to him being more involved and knowing more about what's going on with his kids is right in the palm of his hand, literally, then there's nothing more you can do except keep it updated.
Exactly!!!!
Maybell, like you, my XH travels for his job. A lot. In spurts. And often the trips pop up suddenly. I own my own business, so I can afford to be more flexible for my kids. So I take on the burden of being Parent-On frequently. When they were younger, it was really difficult at times. I often had little to no break. Plus you add a DD kid and you find that it's just not easy to find a sitter. But somehow I managed. Not sure how, but I did. And do.
Right now, your H has the advantage of knowing that he's playing house somewhere else under the umbrella of being legally married and having marital assets with you. In some ways, I think it's more of an advantage that doesn't help you or the kids because they can tell themselves that nothing has really changed except he doesn't sleep there anymore.
And unfortunately, you're the one who is left holding the bag and being the person who wipes away kids tears and reassuring them that you'll be okay. He doesn't get to deal with the hardships and disappointments and sometimes the blame that goes around because of their awful decisions and actions.
While I'm not saying this to pressure you into making things legal or formal, I can tell you that if the ball goes into motion, then the ugly truth is what they have staring back in their faces. All of a sudden, things become real. And often, they see for themselves that it's going to cost them. Big. Emotionally and financially. They also get to hear first hand from a lawyer or friends who have been there that things are going to concentrate on the business of dissolving a marriage. No doubt about it, it's an ugly "uncoupling" (sorry for the Gwyneth fans here).
Spousal and child support become big issues, and they don't like the cold reality of things. His travel schedule will almost certainly come into play here. It did for me. I chose not to take the spousal support because I knew it would create a rift I couldn't heal (and I'm employed full time) so I left that off the table. Then if you've been married more than 10 years, you get half of all the marital assets. I was able to keep the house by forgoing my stake in one of his pensions. It worked out. Again, I was able to refinance in my own name because I had employment history (I wasn't self employed back then). But I wouldn't have minded moving into something else.
I saw your move history, and have to say... that is awful! I can't imagine how you must consider that once again. That sure is disruptive. Hats off to ya, Maybell.
I don't have the answers - you're probably going to have to play around with things here. If he leaves you without the ability to do self care, then I'd probably have to approach having him fork over his share to help you find a nanny or sitter so that you can fill your own love tank. Ya know what I mean?
Ok, diarrhea finished. At least for now.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
