Part of why H doesn't do a lot of parenting is that he travels very frequently, very far away, and generally not with a lot of notice. This week and part of next he's in Europe -- a trip for which we had 5 days notice. I'm a SAHM (at least for the moment). So ALL kid stuff fell on me and I have never had the option of asking him to cover a pick up or whatever. The most he ever did was be home when I had a book club meeting scheduled.
The term for our separation has long since expired and we both agreed (in about two sentences) that we were comfortable continuing things as they were. I guess the house thing worries me because the one thing I've always wanted and never had in our marriage was security and stability. We've always been moving in or moving out. I'm in my 8th house in 16 years and the one thing I REALLY want is to not have a move on the horizon. There is NO WAY I will keep this house by myself. I know what I hope to do if I need to make the move, but it's hard not to brace myself for it, since that's how I've lived for so long. Always bracing myself for the next Big Thing.
It makes my heart hurt to think of how all this damaged our marriage. (that and my SIL is texting me, first time I've heard from her in four months).
I will try to live for today. Today is a good day. In many, many ways.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Labug, when you say "revisit letting go" what does that mean to you? Does it mean just doing my thing and not filing or anything, just doing my thing? Like you did during that LONG period that your H dropped off the radar?
Does that include dating? Because I'd really rather not be a person who does that while married, even if it's just on paper.
I saw Underdog when I first started lurking but lost track of her. How far back in her posts should I look?
I don't feel like there is any co-parenting happening. H is MIA except when he calls the kids or when he has them for the weekend. He (has always) delegated all decision-making and discipline to me. When I asked him in the past about strategies for dealing with kid stuff he always either rubber-stamped my suggestions without thinking about them or said he didn't know how to deal with whatever it was and left it at that. So co-parenting is really not an issue to me.
It is so hard to figure out how to navigate this whole idea of letting go when my housing situation depends on him. So long as we keep everything joint and he keeps paying for mortgage and upkeep I can stay in the house. But at some point we're going to have to figure out where this is going so I can find a new home in the small area that I'm trying to stay in (for myself as well as the kids). That sort of keeps me stuck, although frankly if we end up selling the house and I get my own place it won't be any more pain than what I've gone through. I just want to know how to plan for those sorts of things. If we do sell the house, though, it will be a hurdle for him to jump if he ever wants to reconcile.
Good things are happening for me in other parts of my life, though I'm going to keep it to myself till I know more. Thank you all so much for being part of it.
I think Bets said it but I'll reiterate, I don't mean change anything other than your attitude, your perspective. Stop looking to him for your next move.
We also tend to allow the issues of our H's to color our view of ourselves. We take on, He left because I'm not good enough-instead of, he left because he didn't have the tools to deal.(or he's a jerk, some are) Doesn't mean we don't have stuff to work on but we can only be responsible for our 50%.
I don't think it's fair for anyone to start dating while still in a R with another person, even it it's only on paper. Makes things too complicated. Do you feel you're ready to date?
Hope that helps.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
We also share a kid calendar but he doesn't always check it. It flows in with his work calendar which is PACKED and he's not so good at picking out details. Maybe getting a little bit better, but nowhere close to there yet.
Off to pick up the kiddos from school. Thank you again very much.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm moving into "he left because of his issues" but if I were there yet I wouldn't still be making such a point of the perfume & makeup, etc. I'd be doing those things for myself.
But I think I'll get there.
I'm so humbled by all the support and caring I'm getting. I wish I could show more of how strongly I appreciate it. I'll pay it forward as best I can.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
We also share a kid calendar but he doesn't always check it. It flows in with his work calendar which is PACKED and he's not so good at picking out details.
This is a hard thing to swallow but:
This is HIS problem. If the answer to him being more involved and knowing more about what's going on with his kids is right in the palm of his hand, literally, then there's nothing more you can do except keep it updated.
Ss, I haven't touched it. I've actually done a decent job of leaving him in his sandbox except for the few things I've posted here.
I have a lot of sympathy for him, in truth. He travels a lot and has missed a lot. I'm sure he is just starting to learn what he could and should do.
It is kind of a relief to think if just letting go. I felt so much pressure to fix everything. It's good to hear it's ok if I can't. It frees me up for the things I can do.
Tonight's work is to go through and reread the last three pages of help I've gotten today.
Last edited by Maybell; 09/04/1408:06 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Apparently, my diarrhea of the keyboard isn't finished.
Quote:
This is HIS problem. If the answer to him being more involved and knowing more about what's going on with his kids is right in the palm of his hand, literally, then there's nothing more you can do except keep it updated.
Exactly!!!!
Maybell, like you, my XH travels for his job. A lot. In spurts. And often the trips pop up suddenly. I own my own business, so I can afford to be more flexible for my kids. So I take on the burden of being Parent-On frequently. When they were younger, it was really difficult at times. I often had little to no break. Plus you add a DD kid and you find that it's just not easy to find a sitter. But somehow I managed. Not sure how, but I did. And do.
Right now, your H has the advantage of knowing that he's playing house somewhere else under the umbrella of being legally married and having marital assets with you. In some ways, I think it's more of an advantage that doesn't help you or the kids because they can tell themselves that nothing has really changed except he doesn't sleep there anymore.
And unfortunately, you're the one who is left holding the bag and being the person who wipes away kids tears and reassuring them that you'll be okay. He doesn't get to deal with the hardships and disappointments and sometimes the blame that goes around because of their awful decisions and actions.
While I'm not saying this to pressure you into making things legal or formal, I can tell you that if the ball goes into motion, then the ugly truth is what they have staring back in their faces. All of a sudden, things become real. And often, they see for themselves that it's going to cost them. Big. Emotionally and financially. They also get to hear first hand from a lawyer or friends who have been there that things are going to concentrate on the business of dissolving a marriage. No doubt about it, it's an ugly "uncoupling" (sorry for the Gwyneth fans here).
Spousal and child support become big issues, and they don't like the cold reality of things. His travel schedule will almost certainly come into play here. It did for me. I chose not to take the spousal support because I knew it would create a rift I couldn't heal (and I'm employed full time) so I left that off the table. Then if you've been married more than 10 years, you get half of all the marital assets. I was able to keep the house by forgoing my stake in one of his pensions. It worked out. Again, I was able to refinance in my own name because I had employment history (I wasn't self employed back then). But I wouldn't have minded moving into something else.
I saw your move history, and have to say... that is awful! I can't imagine how you must consider that once again. That sure is disruptive. Hats off to ya, Maybell.
I don't have the answers - you're probably going to have to play around with things here. If he leaves you without the ability to do self care, then I'd probably have to approach having him fork over his share to help you find a nanny or sitter so that you can fill your own love tank. Ya know what I mean?
Ok, diarrhea finished. At least for now.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Might I suggest you reread so much of the help you give to others, too? You are so wise behind your years and your grace shines through, more than you know I think. You give so much of yourself to many of us here and provide a sense of grounding and support and I'm not sure you realize it. You see so clearly others' positives and are so good at rooting for people. Your kind and gentle spirit permeates every word you write.
Might I suggest you reread so much of the help you give to others, too? You are so wise behind your years and your grace shines through, more than you know I think. You give so much of yourself to many of us here and provide a sense of grounding and support and I'm not sure you realize it. You see so clearly others' positives and are so good at rooting for people. Your kind and gentle spirit permeates every word you write.
Doesn't mean we don't have stuff to work on but we can only be responsible for our 50%.
