I don't feel like there is any co-parenting happening. H is MIA except when he calls the kids or when he has them for the weekend. He (has always) delegated all decision-making and discipline to me.
See my blithering post on why this might be. Make it possible for him to co-parent with you. Offer him information. Give him the chance to do the right thing. And if he does it, praise it. I can tell you from where I sit, that co-parenting IS an issue for him.
If he chooses not to follow through when you've made it comfortable, then you'll know he's just a plain jerk. But you're going to have to work at it awhile before it becomes a consistency.
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t is so hard to figure out how to navigate this whole idea of letting go when my housing situation depends on him. So long as we keep everything joint and he keeps paying for mortgage and upkeep I can stay in the house. But at some point we're going to have to figure out where this is going so I can find a new home in the small area that I'm trying to stay in (for myself as well as the kids). That sort of keeps me stuck, although frankly if we end up selling the house and I get my own place it won't be any more pain than what I've gone through. I just want to know how to plan for those sorts of things. If we do sell the house, though, it will be a hurdle for him to jump if he ever wants to reconcile.
Maybell, do you guys have a separation agreement? I don't mean anything legal or filing.
Shortly after my XH moved out, I told him that we needed to meet with a mediator who could help us navigate the murky waters of financing 2 households while our R was in limbo. It helped A LOT. In fact, we used that groundwork as the basis for our D once it was filed. But it gave us both rules of engagement. In the early days, we followed it to a T. Later on, we did what worked for the family.
Let the mediator help you come to some sort of understanding. That's in fact the document we created: a memorandum of understanding.
Once we knew what to expect, it let him go off in La-La land and let me work on the stuff I could work on without that worry sitting right in the middle. That's like waiting for the shoe to drop, right?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I don't think you have to date to let go. I think that's not even on the list of things necessary for letting go, not that I really know anything about letting go.
You said this:
I don't feel like there is any co-parenting happening. H is MIA except when he calls the kids or when he has them for the weekend. He (has always) delegated all decision-making and discipline to me. When I asked him in the past about strategies for dealing with kid stuff he always either rubber-stamped my suggestions without thinking about them or said he didn't know how to deal with whatever it was and left it at that. So co-parenting is really not an issue to me.
My H delegated all decision making and discipline and homework and appointments and well, everything to me, too. Occasionally he'd criticize me after the fact and it killed me. Things have changed here since BD and he's really stepped up and I'm glad for that but I had to make changes here too.
I had to start saying, "I trust you to handle this." and then walk away. Even if he did it "wrong" I let it stand and you know what? He figured it out. He figured out that criticizing constantly and yelling didn't get the results he thought it would. He figured out that hounding didn't work either. He figured out how to parent and still build a relationship with our D7. I empowered him by simply leaving him to do it. Have you thought about trying something like that. Don't be his "parenting helper". You're not the enforcer. What is with some of these men and parenting? God forbid they pick up a book or look into it a little.
The house thing makes things complicated. I'll have to think about that one.
I think it's only natural to say, "you don't want to be here so I don't want to be here". It's hard to do all this work AND let go AND detach AND accept all these changes to our lives and our kids lives AND deal with continual mistreatment from our spouses. Let's face it, it's more than HARD. It's impossible but we're doing it. One day at a time, Maybell.
In the end, this is about YOU and what YOU want. If it's not him, that's ok. If it is him, that's ok, too. The work you're doing is the same either way.
Ugh, who am I to suggest anything to you? I'm over here spinning out of control over a freaking text telling myself "It's just a text. Juuuust a text."
Maybe we both just need to breathe. Breathe and take a trip to Hawaii. You book the flight, I'll book the rooms?
We have an agreement we came to in April that said the separation was for three months (now approaching five) and that we'd leave the finances as they were during the separation. I've been as economical as I can manage and we're breaking even or slightly better than that in spite of sustaining two households. If we divorced or implemented a legal separation we'd have to split the house and I would not be able to stay in it. For as long as he's willing to maintain things as they are, I can stay, and he has been considerate about my spending money where I see fit.
I'd like to hear more about your take on the co-parenting thing if you have the time. The times I've brought things to him to ask for his advice or input he has not given any. I don't understand how I could make that more comfortable for him. If I can, I'd like to; the kids really need their dad.
Thank you again very much.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
And just in case you think that we have a Polyanna type D, I need to negate that. We had a lot of crappy stuff to deal with along the way, but over time it became more good rather than more unpleasant. Much of it was because I had to keep steering things back to pleasant.
I'm not here to say he wasn't an a*hole. He was. I had to deal with his passive aggressive nature and his insatiable need to point out my flaws whenever he felt he needed to purge. And because I'm me, initially I chose to defend myself or point out his flaws instead. It backfired on me and just didn't work.
Now we can just call each other on the BS. And that happens regularly. He gets snarky with me, and I get snarky with him. It's all in how we come back after that that makes it okay again. In the end, I need him to co-parent with me. Our D17 is developmentally disabled, and I have to parent with him as long as she's alive. It's to my benefit to create a good R. Just in case you think I'm some sort of freak...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Ss, I have been saying over and over again "This is your call." or "I know you're a good dad." or "You're the dad, you get to decide that." It's only in the last couple of weeks that he's started stepping up better. In fact, it was after we had an exchange where he asked me if the kids wanted to talk to him and I said that it would be better if he asked whether HE wanted to talk to THEM that he started being more proactive about spending time with them.
We got D11 a cell phone last week that we'd been discussing all summer. I really thought he'd take the lead on that because it's his area of interest and expertise, but he just kept vaguely saying "we need to talk about her phone" and then not doing anything about it. I finally did it myself when the lack of a phone started impacting me. He hasn't asked any questions about dentist appointments, etc., that they've had.
But as I say, I want to give him space to be a great dad. As much for the kids as for him or me. I just never felt like he wanted that space.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
That is awesome! The changes your seeing are slow but they are there. As women the "adapting to motherhood" is something that usually just happens. With men, they have to grow into the role and as counter intuitive as that is for us, it takes some men longer than others to own that role.
In this area in particular, you're really doing a great job.
Quick answer: Tell him what you need from him and then leave it on the table, so to speak. For example, if you need him to pick up your son from soccer because you've got to be elsewhere, ask him if he can do it. If he says no, don't offer a commentary on his poor choice. If he says yes, give him the info and let him follow through. And then thank him for it. Yes, he's the dad. And yes, Dad's are supposed to do those things. But sometimes they feel like they're given a free pass to step away because they left. Don't give him the out.
In my case, he didn't offer or do things differently for a few reasons. He was mad and reveled in watching me stress out. He also felt that since our R was bad, it was better for our girls for him to stay away.
Occasionally, our oldest would ask him if he'd take her somewhere or do something with her outside of his parenting time. And more often than not, he'd oblige.
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If we divorced or implemented a legal separation we'd have to split the house and I would not be able to stay in it.
That was our understanding as well. We didn't specify 3 months or 12 or 2 years. But I'll tell ya that after a year with no answers, HIS friends started putting pressure on him to come to some decisions.
So if you're okay the way things are and not financially in a bind, what's the hurry in resolution if things are okay for the time being? I'm a huge proponent of thanking my lucky stars for things being good TODAY. Tomorrow will *always* take care of itself. And you never know what tomorrow brings either. Sometimes it even works out better than you expect. BTW, I got the house. And lots of child support.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Okay, this time is gonna be it. I need to run some errands!
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He hasn't asked any questions about dentist appointments, etc., that they've had.
Alright, I get flack from some posters for doing this, but it helped me. I used to print out a calendar for 3 months that he could put on his fridge. I filled in the dates and appointments that I knew were coming up. And every Sunday, we'd have a quick update conversation about who was taking what. I made it easy for him. Okay, it made work for me, but I was trying to make it so that he could see how much was going on in our house! We often use it as a bartering tool for things down the road as well. Nothing like an IOU at the perfect time.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
^^^ we do this too, Underdog, but we share a calendar through iCal with all our daughter's karate practices, appointments, back to school nights, etc. We are both responsible for entering things into the calendar as they come up. When he updates it, I get a notice and when I update, he gets a notice. Easy peasy.
When we exchange the kid (I hate that), we talk about upcoming things on the calendar and discuss places where we might need help. For example:
"D7 has piano on Tuesday but I think her book is at your place. Can you bring that over before the weekend so she can do her homework and practice?"
So far, I've only had to ask once, maybe twice (this is totally new, it used to be 10-12 times I'd have to ask if I needed his help with something).
Anyway, it works for us and there are NO excuses. It's in the calendar. Done.
It backfired on me and just didn't work.
BTW, I got the house. And lots of child support. 