WAW, she had an affair, separating to "think"

[Card29]

I could suggest one word that answers both questions: Detach.

1.) If it is an uncrossable boundary for you but you don't want to file for D right away, tell her no direct contact between the two of you until she's not with or pursuing OM, at least, and maybe until she is willing to talk about your R. She's going to do what she's going to do. Detach from the situation as much as you can while that stuff is going on, for your own sanity's sake.

2.) That decision is purely yours. Even the most anti-divorce, fundamentalist religions say D is permissible after affair or abandonment. But if you're having trouble making up your mind, this is another area detachment can help you. Instead of obsessing over her whereabouts and actions, if you stick with it, you will discover your independence and ability to be happy without her. That's not to say it is giving up. I am patiently waiting on a WAW to figure herself out. Pre-DB, I was obsessed with her and her every move. I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks (I only started at 155), couldn't sleep, etc. Most miserable month of my life. Once I began detaching successfully, everything improved, even my R with WAW. I still love her and want our M to work, but I've realized I can't control her, and it only hurts me to try. If you detach successfully, I promise you will become much more clear-headed regarding what you want to do. Maybe you'll find that you are fine waiting a year or so for her to come out of her fog (search these boards for "fog" and read, btw). Maybe you'll realize that you don't want to wait, that you think that behavior doesn't warrant your patience. To me, neither choice is more noble than the other, it's just up to you to figure out what you want. But you will not be able to do that if you chase her through her fog.

Keep posting and listen to the vets here! These people really do know what they're talking about. Also, consider updating your signature to give generic details of your sitch. It helps people who might not have read your whole story to give you some quick feedback.