Thank you UR and job, you, with others, were instrumental in my growth, and getting me through this. You are amazing people. You got me through the standing work, where I learned what I am made of, and also the work of myself, where I learned who I was, and where I wanted to go.
Matt and Mighty, some realizations came to me since June, granted I've had 3 years (BD #1 anniversary this month) to come to terms with the possible loss of my M, these still came fast and hard, because though I don't easily quit, once I do get to the point of futility, I drop the rope fast and hard. Here is what came to me:
She's gone.
I need to heal, I have kids full time, work 40-60 hours a week, I am taxi and school bus service, and I have a disaster of a house to remedy, etc... Like the Van Halen line from the song "Ain't Talking About Love" goes... "I got no time to mess around..."
I had to see my life without her, hard as that was.
My healing has nothing to do with her anymore.
Nothing she can do or say is going to change how I feel. It's about me.
It's up to ME.
So I re-framed this into "as if" she died.
Absolutely no chance of reconciliation, her changing her mind, etc.
How does that change how I feel?
How does that change MY ACTIONS in recovering, healing myself and my kids, getting to the needful?
Life is for the living, and my kids and I are far too blessed to be waiting around for a ghost to maybe re-appear and be re-incorporate, meanwhile life passes by.
That mindset change gave me strength and determination to do the right things for my sons and myself. To tackle the hoarders hoard, organize, super-clean, create the NEW normal in a positive, healthy way. My kids deserved it, and it was completely up to ME to make it happen.
And now that we are operating in the new normal? The results I see in the kids amazes me. The results I see in me I like, a lot. And now when I ponder her coming back, as she is, and bringing her chaos, indecision, negativity, tension and all the rest?
*shudder*
That is why I do not miss her anymore. Makes me sad sometimes, but it is what it is.
I mentioned that book "Second Firsts" because it did help me over the hump to move beyond surviving into thriving...very concise, good steps and plans, emphasizes GAL, etc, it meshes well with SBT, imo. I think it works better for men in grief recovery than Susan Anderson's excellent book.
Acceptance is key, only you can change you thoughts. I have been re-reading Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations" as well...very helpful... "Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking" particularly struck me, an "a-ha!!" moment.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
