Nitty in a Nutshell (Help! I'm in a nutshell!)

[Nitty]

So happy to see you are coming to grips with your situation in a way that allows you to have hope while rolling with the punches. .....
...String enough of those days together and that lens you're looking through will get clearer and clearer. Excellent approach. No expectations is my toughest mantra right now. Good to see that you are on track.

OK, so I'm all turned around again. So much for being on track.

I spent hours before our mediation appt visualizing me sitting there in that office, icy cool. "Yes, Mr. Gritty, I was very disappointed that you've decided to D me, but you are an adult and I must respect your decision." As I drove to the office, I repeated that line over and over. I showed up at mediation, not nervous like the last time, but calm, cool, and collected. Way better emotional state than last time.

Mr. Gritty showed up right after. Our mediator asked if anything had changed during the week. I described our meeting because H didn't seem to want to. The mediator said he was impressed because we could interact as friends. The mediator then asked him if he was still gung ho for D and he said he wasn't 100% sure.

And just like that, I was back into "IT CAN BE SAVED" mode. No Expectations just up and made a beeline for the door. I tried to grab her skirt but she was too fast for me.

Here is the good part: this mediator is a business/family conflict negotiator in addition to being a D mediator. He worked out a plan where he is going to help us communicate better during D so we don't rip out each others' throats. Help us 'explore' whether D is really the solution ... while at the same time continuing in D mediation.

It's like, some kind of an oxymoron, a two-for-one deal: MC and D proceedings at the same time.

And me, I was filled with hope again. We're back in MC for the first time in 7 months! OK, so it's still D, but with a form of MC tacked onto D -- not really MC but kind of like MC -- and hooray! (Detachment ran out of the room right after No Expectations.)

So half of our session yesterday was communication work, then the other half was mediation, what papers remain to be collected, etc.

Mr. Gritty used the communication part to air his grievances. He had plenty to complain about me. I disagree with much of it but have owned the rest. My list of complaints about him is short, mainly that he didn't give us a chance to repair our problems. That I don't have an equal say in decisions. And, oh, yeah, INFIDELITY.

Mr. Gritty insisted he'd not been with another woman since the first days of our separation. That I was imagining all sorts of wild things and probably telling the neighbors lies about him. I asked him if he remembered telling me he'd file for D because I refused to live in an open marriage. He said he did, but that he didn't actually go on any dates so what is the problem?

I asked him to consider how I lived in the weeks since then, believing he was dating, even hearing that he was seen in a club with a woman who works out in his gym, and what am I supposed to believe? He just did not get it.

He complained that I never "reached out" to him. Hello, I said, you initiated D. You said you felt trapped, caged, that I was "controlling" you. I am trying to respect your wishes and protect myself. He became agitated, claimed he'd been reaching out to me but I kept overanalyzing things just like this and this illustrated perfectly how I "kept making everything so difficult."

The mediator asked him to be the one to reach out once a week, to actually meet in person. The goal: to try to rebuild a working friendship. (Rules: do not talk D, $ or R.)

I was so glad because 1) Rebuilding friendship was a DB Coach goal, 2) Mr. Gritty did not protest, and 3) No more "text-only" communication! He'll still text, but at least he'll see me in person (outside of a mediation office).

But then we did the mediation portion and it was bad again. H became all business. All $ and no sense. Nitty only cares about the $. Nitty wants to bleed him dry. He wants to speed up the process. "I hate to be in limbo! It's been too long without a decision!" I said I didn't think it wise to make a decision just to get making a decision out of the way. He agreed but did not say, "Well, let's just drop the D."

And yet, guess what: mediation is again delayed because he is not doing what he needs to do in order to D. Is this a man who really wants to D? I mean, he paid the mediator three grand to do our D, he keeps saying he wants to speed things up, but his actions say otherwise.

Don't believe what he says and only half of what he does. Don't believe what he says and only half of what he does. Don't believe what he says and only half of what he does. Don't...

A lot more happened during the mediation session that was bad. I left the office all wrung out. Couldn't concentrate when I got back to work. I avoided everybody because I knew any sympathetic faces would make me bawl. If I had Detachment at my back, I would be okay. But no, she took off, disgusted with me.

After work I went home and was putting stuff away when I got a phone call from Mr. Gritty. He asked me to dinner. I drove to his place (again) because he said "I can never show my face in the neighborhood." He keeps saying this, that everyone is judging him and he refuses to be judged.

We ate dinner, and without R, D or $ to talk about, we ended up watching another movie. I got up at the end and said it was time to go. He asked me to stay longer but it was 9. I told him I had a lot to think about. He gave me a hug goodbye and I left.

So now I'm sitting at the computer, thinking, he's done this before, this is just part of the dance, and he'll withdraw again. But in the meantime I am telling myself over and over DETACH DETACH DETACH and I am failing to do so. I am back to Square One.

HopeTex, I never liked Heinlein's world view, either. Hated the way he portrayed women. But he is a great storyteller and I enjoyed his work anyway.

....

I was getting ready to post this when I got a phone call from Mr. Gritty. (Two phone calls in 24 hours!) He wanted to know what I meant when I said I had to think things through. He says he is confused, because we are in reconciliation and I keep "throwing out hints" that I want to D even though I say I don't.

He actually used the word "reconciliation". As in, "being in a state of reconciliation." The last time he described us being in reconciliation, it only took a couple of weeks before he announced that he hated the word "reconciliation" and that I was not to use that word again because it made him feel trapped. But now he is using that word. We're on the "UP" part of the roller coaster ride.