barely holding on - 3

[zew]

U-turn,
There is no "right" answer on the ring. Some things to think about:

- you said yourself, you don't want to appear petty or manipulative by taking it off. If you are taking it off to try to solicit a reaction from your W, you are doing it for the wrong reason.

- if you take it off, and she notices, will she think that you have thrown in the towel, and therefore it is ok for her to do whatever she is doing, because you don't consider yourself married anymore? You can't possibly mind read.

- what will not wearing your ring broadcast to others around you? Is that something you want to say?

Rings are symbolic, and very personal. In the big scheme of DB, they're small stuff. Taking off your ring is not going to assert a boundary. Taking off your ring is not going to turn your W around. Taking off your ring is not a major step in your master plan to make yourself into the person you need to be coming out of this ordeal. -- at least IMHO. Focus on something more worthy of your time.

I wear mine. I'm married until I'm not, and that's the message I wish to convey to W and everyone else.

[u-turn]

THANKS zew-

Maybe that would be only for reaction again - I need patience. I do not want to throw in the towel.

Like I said I am all over the place. I have not taken my ring off in 20 years - not even for the petty arguments when we were very young. The ring is important to me (as it used to be to her)

You are right - thanks for waking me up and allowing me to see who I've been and am.

I'm so appreciative of this forum!

[Eatsma]

U-turn,

I will admit that I used to take off my rings when H traveled. For me it was a symbol to myself that I have a choice in all of this. He has made a choice to go against our marriage vow...I can choose to acknowledge that choice by taking off my rings.

It felt right to me at the time.

I had not taken off my wedding rings for 18 years, with the exception of when I was pregnant and too bloated to wear them!

Your choice. But I agree--don't do it for a reaction. Only do it if it feels right for you.

[u-turn]

dawgy-

How long have you been in your sitch ?

I accept that we have both contributed to this, so it may be unfair to just put a timeline on the A. I think there was an accumulation of things throughout the last 20 years.

Things started getting a little rough in September/october of last year - though just some bumps (IMO) - I wasn't handling her new career as well as I should have.
We had a big breakdown at the end of january - I "mishandled" a suspicion that I had and it completely changed her.
I suspected OM with some proof mid march.
I told her that I knew about OM at the end of march - she didn't deny it (while on vacation with her and the kids).

It's a short time compared to many here, but it seems like an eternity to me - I'm sure everyone feels this way though

[dawgy]

lol Thats too crazy . Us too started having a few problems in the fall . She started the affair in december last year . I found out about OM in march also and have been trying to deal with it since . But in my case she is still seeing him and wants to leave to be with him . It kills me when I have to say that . I was un fortunate in being that the OM s children are grown and it was only him and his wife . So he parted with her . Now im sure he is pressuring her to leave . The only thing keeping her home is that she doesnt want the kids to find out the truth . She wants me to just say mom and dad grew apart . Which is a lie . That the guy she is living with is a good guy and its noot his fault . Which is a lie . That she hasnt been seeing him all this time . Which is a lie . I refused to keep the secret and I believe this is why shes been treating me so badly

[u-turn]

I understand. When things start going out in the open and others see what she is doing, she will have to deal with that. The kids will know eventually. It will make it real for her and will be a lot of pressure.

In my case:
I will would not say it's mutual to protect her.

OM is still with his W and has younger kids. Tells my w he won't break up his family (upstanding guy - ha). so it's all sneaking around.

[PeterV2]

I took my ring off for a week while I was considering LRT. But when I decided I wanted to keep trying to save the marriage I put it back on. To me it's a symbol that I'm still engaged in the concept of being married to her. It's a silent statement that the door is still open, while at the same time I was detaching and letting things take their course. I think giving the ring back to her is a message that you've given up - I don't think that's the message you want to send. Being the H that only a fool would leave still means you're the H which means you're still married so keep the ring on your finger. She'll notice. Whether she gets that message is another story.

Connection first. Then rebuild trust. That's the way it works. You can't build trust without connection. And building trust is a long process especially when it's been violated to such an extent. However connection can be rebuilt with the proper quality time together. When speaking with her look her in the eyes. Speak gently and lovingly. Don't bring up the A or OM. Just keep those topics off the table. But also no R talk. Just keep the quality time talk on things in your lives that are not in turmoil.

There was some movement this morning (hers) - a lot of emotion (hers), and I have to step back and see what that is about - while still trying to detach (if that makes any sense). She definitely is in some kind of turmoil over her life and decisions right now. I don't know if her actions are going to be toward or away right now.

Of course she's in turmoil. It's of her own making. Good. Let her stew in it. It's what she needs right now. Be understanding: "Gee that must be hard." But don't rescue. Don't try to fix it. (YouTube search: "It's not about the nail.") She's the only one who has control over herself.

[u-turn]

Thanks Peter - I agree with this all - I've calmed down again (bad night) quiet day. No poking the bear to see what happens

I AM committed and need to show her that. I've been patient and need to keep that up. I had my ring off for a total of 2 hours today, but carried it in my pocket. It's on again.

Trust is going to be hard until she actually gives me something to trust. Makes that actual statement that it is over with OM. Until then I can't ask, I can't accuse, just stew (I mean detach).

I do a good job most of the time not speaking of A or OM. It has come up as a work and future career options - mainly by her. I try not to add or dwell on it.

BTW - I really like the It's not the Nail video. You sent me a link to it before. I do find it very hard not to comfort her when she's upset though (maybe that's rescuing). She was sobbing and came in for a hug and I held her. It's hard for me to turn that off sometimes.

[Old Dog]

I took my ring off for a few weeks even before bomb day. Things haven't been good since November: I had been comfort eating and it was just a bit too tight but I still carried it around in my wallet. I thought what the hell, she doesn't seem to care.

Subconciously I think it was a cry for attention, but she never noticed, or if she did, she didn't say anything and may even have reinforced her belief that our relationship was heading south.

I had put it back on by bomb day and wear it still as a symbol to me that I'm not giving up.

I'm trying to rebuild a connection. I told her last weekend I don't want to creep around the elephant in the room on all the broken eggshells, we have to learn to communicate again.

I keep looking at yours and dawgy's threads. I wish I had something more useful to say: it might even help me but for now all I can do is offer support. Keep on keeping on.

[u-turn]

Thanks Old Dog.
It's not really funny how many times I need the same reminder of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And it's not about attention getting. I need to pick up the DR book again and re-read it. Start over.

I am still overwhelmed with the balance of trying to do the right thing (not the wrong thing at least)

all of these words fight with each other in my mind:
pursuing/quality time/conversation/detach

cake eating/dignity/patience/her journey

man-up/give her time


The list goes on and on. this all makes my head spin.....

All the support you give is great Old Dog. Keep it up. and keep up your efforts. Your active positive steps will pay off.

Thanks to everyone here!!