Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I've caught myself boarding the expectations train over the past few days. I guess it's something that builds up slowly. I've really only noticed it these past few days as a few things have come up with my wife that have irked me. Once I realised it I knew I had to back off and get myself in check again.

I asked my wife a few days ago about going away for a weekend during the school holidays. I didn't receive much of a response and she appeared to avoid it whenever i brought it up. Granted, she's got a lot on her plate and I understand if it's well down on her list of priorities. I was disappointed that she showed no interest in the idea and when I asked again I received a very closed response.

I've worked hard over the past six months and I want to get away with the family for a short period. The past few school holidays have been same old same old with work, housework and looking after the kids with one extra body home. I've felt bad because we just haven't had the time or money or other things have popped up. My wife is going away for a weekend at the beginning of the school holidays for a hen's night, across the country after our nephew is born and she's gone and done a lot of fun things for herself over the past few months. Money has been tight and ideally I would stay home and save money. I feel that some time away is an investment in my sanity and relationships with my family.

So with no apparent interest from my wife I was left confused at how to handle it. I would still like to see if my wife would be open to planning a weekend away with the kids and I. At the same time, I feel it's a golden opportunity to skip town with the kids when my wife is away, treat them as well as myself and avoid a weekend at home that will more than likely result in three bored kids, one frustrated Dad, a messy house and a lot of time outs. The kids deserve better and I feel I do too.

So I'm in two minds as to whether I approach my wife again to see if she wants to plan anything. She has a job interview on Saturday two hours away from home and I am joining her to share driving and do some long overdue personal shopping. She said she any suggested dates for a trip away were subject to the result of the interview. My wife has a lot on her plate over before Christmas and if she gets a job we won't have any chances of getting away as a family until my brother's wedding in February.

On top of all of that, my wife has vented frustration at spending so much time at home with the kids and the housework that comes as a result. I've listened and validated and I understand exactly how she feels as this was my life between November and February as well as other periods I've had between jobs in previous years. For some reason though, instead of connecting over shared experiences, my wife appears to completely disregard that I've lived these experiences myself. I've become pretty upset at this for a couple of reasons. 1) it invalidates how I felt when I went through these periods and 2) I feel disrespected and unappreciated for the amount of work I put in keeping things together at home while my wife was working. Now the shoe is on the other foot and I appreciate everything my wife has done at home and can sympathise when she has days when she doesn't have the motivation to do housework or spend time with the kids.

The reason these bother me so much at the moment is that these feelings were very strong prior to my affair. I'm better able to deal with these feelings this time around and to catch myself expecting things from my wife is not something had the tools to do prior to separation. At the same time, feeling valued is important to me, my wife has read some of the same material as me and I feel as though it's a bit of a slap in the face as she has the same tools that I do and is choosing not to use them.

These feelings have me very conflicted at the moment. They are massive red flags for me and long term they are dealbreakers. At the present though, it does feel as though my wife is not going anywhere, has initiated discussion and taken steps towards a future life together, speaks about us to me and other people as husband and wife and yet still has giant walls up as though she's not yet ready to let me in.

She has been a little more distant the past couple of days and mentioned a couple of days ago that she feels as though everything she does is wrong. I'm confused by that statement as I don't feel as though I've done anything to contribute to that. I feel it's a self esteem thing relating to not being able to find work as well as the stress of so much time spent with the kids. The drive to her interview wasn't properly discussed until yesterday so I didn't really know what the plan was until then. I wanted to come to support her and to get some things for myself though I didn't want to step on her toes if she had other plans. In the end, the two of us are heading over without the kids so we'll see how that goes.

On the bright side, my wife has had a LOT of cake orders which has perked her up a bit. She has told me about all of her orders and ideas as well as ideas for events that she has been asked to hire stuff for and decorate. She had her birthday yesterday and being very popular she received lots of wishes and gifts. We went out to dinner last night as a family which was a nice change to staying in. The kids didn't really cooperate but they appeared to enjoy themselves. I just liked going out.

Soccer is done for the year, second round of uni assignments are in and I'm almost up to date with my studies, and work has eased off a bit for the time being. I'm really looking forward to going away so I'm hoping to sort that out in the coming days rather than having it be a last minute, miscommunicated event.