So 6 month of pressure finally got to me last night, H rang to ask if I knew anyone that could babysit the boys tomorrow night, I got angry, said that I'd just have them at home since they were due to come back to me the next morning, he said that's not what he's asking, and I lost my shizzle, started literally screaming at him about his priorities, the r with ow, how unfair it all was, then I said something about him and the boys and he fired right up, told me where to go, which led in d talk, which he said he thought there was no point in talking about it since we can't file until march next year.

I was crying and I'm not sorry for what said or did, and he said that he'd been waiting for it for the past 6 months and that I have every right to be angry.

He asked me to come over so we could talk more, so I did, he said that he had seen the changes in me in the past few months and that I seem to have my shoulders back, that things that would have had me in a tailspin a few months ago are now water off a duck's back.

He said that he was having trouble trying to juggle his r with ow, the boys, work and us.
I told him I could that he wwas trying his best.
I told him that's easy, I'm not part of the equation and to take me out, he said that's not he's saying.

I told him that in the very early days when we were together I never felt that I deserved him, that he was too good for me, he said that's the second time he's heard that this month, she had said the same thing, and he doesn't understand it.
This to me as far as the ow goes is a bit of a light bulb moment, she is insecure about get r with h, and the only way she seems to be able to keep him around is buying him things, paying for trips, etc.

After all that happened last night, I am surer than I have been in a while that I am in this for the long haul, and yes I may have done some damage but it was also very cathartic as h and I have not ever yelled at each other like that, and noting that 6 months ago we would never have apologised to each other, nor actually listened to each other.

He asked me if I wanted to stay and I said yes, then as we were lying in bed (little nit of spooning was very nice) I decided to go home as I really wanted to ml to him and I knew that was not going to happen, so I told h I was going home, he said sorry again, I came home.

had to drop off the boys clothes this morning, again h said sorry for being nasty last night, and I felt pretty good about what happened.

I had a meeting with the school councilor today as a follow up for s7, she said it's great he's using his worry box and that he's able start verbalizing that he's not ready for h and I to see other people (that he's not ready to see it) councilor recommended at least 6 months before introducing new people, H is doing what seems a back flip tonight, seemed unhappy with this, but like I said to him, it's your choice at the end of the day...

so that's where it lies right now, just going to keep being me, over the drama, just want peace