Dealing with WAW part 5

[pilot]

Carried over from ItHurts thread...

So sandi, how does one break that cycle? It seems to be where I am stuck at as i am sure many others here are. As you know my W has not even served me the D petition and has said she will let it expire and refile in a few months. (sorry for the semi hijack IH).

So how does a LBS take charge or at least in some small way, regain control? (not my first choice in words, but cannot think of another)

Pilot I know you have tossed around the idea of filing for the D. My advice is don't do it now. I think you may be ready to drop the rope. I believe it is almost impossible to go dark when co-parenting, so I would recommend trying that method.

By you asking about breaking the cycle, it hints you are wanting to do something to get a reaction from her. If so, then you aren't ready to drop things. And to hopefully answer your question, I truly believe it works for the LBH and it causes the WAW to see that she doesn't get to call the shots any longer.

I know what you mean about not choosing the right words. I have used the word "indifference" when trying to describe the LBH in his role of dropping the rope. Not a great word to use b/c of its negative tone. However, some men seem to get the picture better with that description. The point is that you move forward with life. You feel stuck b/c you are waiting on her.......to see what she does. Stop waiting and watching. Stop making "your" life all about her. She can't push your buttons if you don't care what she does/thinks/says/etc. And when she sees it doesn't matter, then it usually breaks that cycle, one way or the other.

You don't announce to her what you are doing. That would be shooting yourself in the foot. You don't explain what you're doing. You don't sit her down and have a long talk. You just start doing it by eliminating some of the things you are doing now. No more dinner dates or spending days as a family. You start acting as if you are D. You still get your kids and stay involved in their lives, but not hers. Isn't that what you would do if you were D and remarried? She would too. So, pretend this practice. (Sorry if that sounds offensive to anyone.)

This is where I get confused/lost at this point in DB. On one hand, 25 is suggesting I extend myself a bit more to break the limbo of what could very well be my W and I 'waiting' for the other. This would entail being, lets call it, cautiously pursuing. On the other hand, sandi is suggesting dropping the rope as a way to break the cycle I am in.

Now to be fair, both were referring specifically to separate scenarios, hence the different answers. Yet that still does not reconcile that there are 2 polar opposite courses of action. One has me stopping non essential activities (family outings), keeping up only parenting responsibilities. The other has me not giving up simply because one invitation was not accepted, and to keep an open mind to together time.

On the bright side, I got a DB coach session package today. So I will at least have that going for me...

Arrggg....

Oh, and sandi, it seems I will be following the pathway of your advice in not answering the petition on my own.