Well, today, it ALMOST felt like the tables had turned...er... maybe things shifted a little. Really, nothing changed, but sometimes when you mind changes ever so slightly, it can make a world of difference. This is for the simple fact that you either feel differently, or just view things from a different perspective, or both!
I love feeling in control and having my power. I despise that xh ever had control over me. There should have been more respect than that. For many months, my emotions were in shambles. Truly, detaching makes all the difference. Newbies (if any of you are reading this, do yourself a favor and detach as quickly as possible!) For me, it was a process. I did detach, but some things were just too difficult to totally remove myself from. But I have to say, recovery time became less.... OK, I digress... (Or as my dad would say, I am incredibly talented for making a "short story long.")
Soooo.... Since I texted xh last night to keep his cheating, lying, self-serving, manipulative, ego-centric, controlling, selfish, immature, repulsive, greedy self out of my house (ummmm.... ok, so I didn't exactly say that...) I feel better. The fact that he, for once, couldn't try to turn it onto me, somehow, was icing on the cake. What could he say? "Whatever" Hmm.. that's cool.
I realize I will not receive any type of medal for showing him who's boss, but I did not resort to the above name-calling or ignorant stuff, and I did not go out of my way to be friendly to someone who does not deserve my friendship. Boop!
So today, I got a text from the above stated honey-pie. He sent if from work, OF COURSE! He said he got a recall letter for my car yesterday and to "...Make sure you make an appointment. It think it is regarding..."
OK, so... first off, he got that in the mail yesterday, I know that for a fact. And again, he did not text me until the next day from work. You know, he can just forward the mail... whatever (probably not because he always opens it.)
What the heck though, "Make sure you make an appointment"??????? What do you care???
Here is where I felt like he must have felt over the past (almost) year. I felt so in control last night after sending that and him not really able to respond. I know it seems so stupid and minimal, but I set a boundary and what can he say about it? It's not like he has any right to argue it.
So then when he texted me today about the car, I just said, "K- thanks." Normally I ignore, but I just don't want to seem totally rude. It's a fine line, I think.
Then it was like I had a moment of realization. This must be how he felt. By thanking him, or acknowledging him, I felt like I gave up a little power. I hate to say that I felt like I had the "upper hand" but I don't know how else to describe it. It is almost like when you hear them lure you in so they can push you away. By a simple, "thanks" it was like being too nice... OMG, that is so crazy, right?
I don't want to play games! I have been focused on my own emotions, but I guess when we feel like their craziness can't affect us, we have a sort of power (wait- lemme speak for myself). I wasn't trying to have power over him, and the reality is that I know I have NONE! But, I think I understood with a little more clarity how they may feel. It does not break the connection, it's always there. But the emotions are what are up and down. And no matter how much you push them away, it does not disconnect you. However, it is the pushing away that actually makes you feel good, but it is only temporary, because the connection is always there and the next emotions/situation will be around the corner waiting to twist around again.
I may just sound like a crazy person.... maybe no one can follow... maybe no one cares.... We learn what we can, we know what we know, but feeling things and changing things makes all the difference.
