Amoeba Whisperer: "Stay in your OWN Petrie Dish!"

[GoatGal]

Thanks, job,

I understand that I really don't know what, if anything, he's thinking about "us" or "the future". Heck, I don't even know what I think about it half the time.


I do know him pretty well, (the old him at least), and although the game has changed, his basic mode of operation is pretty intact.

If he was going to bring up anything that might cause me to get upset/emotional, he'd have to have a really good reason.

The basement thing is only a guess.
It's something he's consistently mentioned and he can't stay where he is forever, is all.

And it's only relevant to me because I want to be prepared for any discussion that might come up around it, what my boundaries would be, that sort of thing.

I really have no expectations in terms of "hopes" here AT ALL.

I am really not interested in him moving back here under any conditions as long as he's being so MLC-crazy!
I can't imagine that working at this point. (Maybe for him, but not for me.)

Just like I want to be prepared for that as I would for any other heavy topics.

I try and keep the focus on me as much as possible, sometimes his actions throw a monkey wrench in that, but each time I start spinning, I learn from it.

One thing that seems to help is more GALing that really feeds my soul.

That consistently shows me how much any R with him is lacking, how he is lacking...and how bleak any future with him looks.

I find---today at least---I don't care much. I'm feeling it's more about the rejection, betrayal, and insult to my ego than it is about wanting him back.
That it's more about losing my home, everything I'd worked for, my animals... than it is about losing him.

The rejection hurts most of all.
Losing him? Not so much. Not like he is now.
There is very little that's likable or relationship material.
If I hit the lottery and could just go/do what I want and keep the parts of my life without him in it, I think I'd be pretty happy with that.

Detachment feels an awful lot like falling out of love.
I have fallen out of love, but have also lost so much respect for him through this.
I am feeling like a WAW in that I feel I've tried for a very long time, long before BD, and I've had enough.

I'm just not ready to do all the work to divide our assets, pack, relocate... rehome. I don't want to do that until it's necessary.

But as far as he's concerned, he is someone who could make my life easier if he chose to, but unless he does, he's a liability, not an asset to me. He is someone I have to protect myself against.

Doesn't really trigger lots of warm fuzzies, does it?

He would have to grow and change an awful lot to be the kind of partner that could match me.
But--no expectations either way, right?

Job, I do appreciate your concern. It means a lot.

----GGG