barely holding on - 3

[PeterV2]

I took my ring off for a week while I was considering LRT. But when I decided I wanted to keep trying to save the marriage I put it back on. To me it's a symbol that I'm still engaged in the concept of being married to her. It's a silent statement that the door is still open, while at the same time I was detaching and letting things take their course. I think giving the ring back to her is a message that you've given up - I don't think that's the message you want to send. Being the H that only a fool would leave still means you're the H which means you're still married so keep the ring on your finger. She'll notice. Whether she gets that message is another story.

Connection first. Then rebuild trust. That's the way it works. You can't build trust without connection. And building trust is a long process especially when it's been violated to such an extent. However connection can be rebuilt with the proper quality time together. When speaking with her look her in the eyes. Speak gently and lovingly. Don't bring up the A or OM. Just keep those topics off the table. But also no R talk. Just keep the quality time talk on things in your lives that are not in turmoil.

There was some movement this morning (hers) - a lot of emotion (hers), and I have to step back and see what that is about - while still trying to detach (if that makes any sense). She definitely is in some kind of turmoil over her life and decisions right now. I don't know if her actions are going to be toward or away right now.

Of course she's in turmoil. It's of her own making. Good. Let her stew in it. It's what she needs right now. Be understanding: "Gee that must be hard." But don't rescue. Don't try to fix it. (YouTube search: "It's not about the nail.") She's the only one who has control over herself.