You've come a long way and have been an inspiration to many people both here and in the real world. Isn't it amazing how much "stuff" we collect over the years and then one day..."poof" it's no longer needed?
T, I'm happy to read that you and your boys are doing so well and yes, enjoying each other's company. Home is where the heart is, but also a safe place to land.
Continue moving forward and don't forget to stop along the way and smell the roses and enjoy some "me" time too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you UR and job, you, with others, were instrumental in my growth, and getting me through this. You are amazing people. You got me through the standing work, where I learned what I am made of, and also the work of myself, where I learned who I was, and where I wanted to go.
Matt and Mighty, some realizations came to me since June, granted I've had 3 years (BD #1 anniversary this month) to come to terms with the possible loss of my M, these still came fast and hard, because though I don't easily quit, once I do get to the point of futility, I drop the rope fast and hard. Here is what came to me:
She's gone.
I need to heal, I have kids full time, work 40-60 hours a week, I am taxi and school bus service, and I have a disaster of a house to remedy, etc... Like the Van Halen line from the song "Ain't Talking About Love" goes... "I got no time to mess around..."
I had to see my life without her, hard as that was.
My healing has nothing to do with her anymore.
Nothing she can do or say is going to change how I feel. It's about me.
It's up to ME.
So I re-framed this into "as if" she died.
Absolutely no chance of reconciliation, her changing her mind, etc.
How does that change how I feel?
How does that change MY ACTIONS in recovering, healing myself and my kids, getting to the needful?
Life is for the living, and my kids and I are far too blessed to be waiting around for a ghost to maybe re-appear and be re-incorporate, meanwhile life passes by.
That mindset change gave me strength and determination to do the right things for my sons and myself. To tackle the hoarders hoard, organize, super-clean, create the NEW normal in a positive, healthy way. My kids deserved it, and it was completely up to ME to make it happen.
And now that we are operating in the new normal? The results I see in the kids amazes me. The results I see in me I like, a lot. And now when I ponder her coming back, as she is, and bringing her chaos, indecision, negativity, tension and all the rest?
*shudder*
That is why I do not miss her anymore. Makes me sad sometimes, but it is what it is.
I mentioned that book "Second Firsts" because it did help me over the hump to move beyond surviving into thriving...very concise, good steps and plans, emphasizes GAL, etc, it meshes well with SBT, imo. I think it works better for men in grief recovery than Susan Anderson's excellent book.
Acceptance is key, only you can change you thoughts. I have been re-reading Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations" as well...very helpful... "Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking" particularly struck me, an "a-ha!!" moment.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
An excellent posting and I couldn't have said it any better. I'm very proud of you and I'm glad you and your family are doing well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had to meet in person with stbxw to give her things like her SS card, birth certificate, and such that she neglected to take.
She doesn't look healthy, physically or mentally. Gaunt, tired.... I looked into her eyes, trying to see who/what/where she was...Her eyes were pretty dull and pained....lost looking.
I know that look from my internship days in the psych wards many years ago... I hope she gets help, does her work, and finds peace and happiness. It's up to God and her now.
My middle son, who is sixteen, has started coming up to say good night to me now, this is new.
Also, he has gone from wanting to drop out of school and just get a job when stbxw was still living here, to now he is really applying himself in school, and is figuring out to get a college education.
It's so true what the vets say, be the rock, if your kids see you are okay, they will be okay.
I haven't felt this happy, content, and excited for each day in a long, long time.
Thank you all here....
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thank you I feel badly for her Wonka, I really do. I do pray for her to find herself and heal, conquer her demons (or at least get them under control), find peace, every night.
The band is going awesomely, just amazing to work with brilliant, talented people who have their chit together.
We should be ready for some gigs in a couple/few months, and then there is the local music festival in late spring, THAT is our medium term goal.
All 3 sons are doing well, all things considered. The whole vibe and energy has gone mostly positive in the house.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T - I'm taking your post above from 9/04/14 and prnting it out.
Amazing post.
Thank you.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Nothing much new in my sitch, life continues to be awesome!
Finally got stbx's info for the D paperwork from her. A few times I would get frustrated with her, with how little importance timeliness was to her for her D. I almost vented with my kids around, but remembered:
-She is my kids' Mother.
-They are 50% her.
-If they hear me dissing her, being angry, sarcastic, etc...I am being that way to them.
-She is important to them, so her welfare will be important to me, for their sakes. And my own value system.
So I am finally able to get the paperwork done hopefully tomorrow and to my lawyer and get this D thingy done.
We are pretty much no contact, aside from some kid stuff and D stuff.
I'm good with that.
The past fades as the future gets clearer and brighter.
I truly wish her peace and happiness, a happy life.
I have what I want, including lots of bacon...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
