I hate to bring this up, but I feel you deserve to know. When he says there's no OW? In a man who was depressed, had to move to another state to work, lives with a newly divorced guy, lost weight, worked out, stopped sleeping with you, was religious but hasn't tried marriage counseling with you..........I've been here a very long time and I'll tell you, the odds that he DOESN'T have an OW (or OM?)are very very slim to none.

It all follows the script. Why do they lie? They tell themselves all kinds of things, I suppose:
- "I'm not leaving my wife BECAUSE of the OW,so she shouldn't be blamed" (except, of course, it's impossible to repair a marriage with an unknown third party involved - ask Princess Diana)

- "If I keep OW a secret until after the divorce, then I can claim she and I just met and my family and kids will accept her

- "I still want to keep my wife as a fall-back position in case I change my mind, and if I told her about my affair she might not take me back"

- "OW is an internet flame in _______ (South Africa, Russia, China - fill in the blank, I've seen them all here) and I haven't actually slept with her yet so I'm not technically lying"

- "OW is my old high school girlfriend that I reconnected with on Facebook but we haven't gotten together in real life yet so I'm not technically lying"

- "I'm sleeping with a different woman every weekend so technically there's no specific "OW"

- "I'm sleeping with an OM but I'm not ready to come out of the closet yet so easier to let SAW think it's all her fault" (Yes, seen that one here too!)


Snooping is not generally advised (because it interferes with our ability to do the things we need to do to work on ourselves and our behaviors) but I think in cases like this it is important for you to know whether an OW/OM is being hidden from you. You may or may not choose to tell him what you know if you find out (sometimes it's a better strategy not to let on you know at first) but you do need to know.

So check his cell phone records if you can (hundreds of texts to the same number, especially late at night? Multiple calls to the same number starting back around when things started to go south?) Check his credit card bills (lots of dinners for two at nice restaurants on Friday or Saturday nights? Unexplained weekend hotel bills at swanky resorts?). New female friends on Facebook that seem suspicious, around the time things started to change? DON'T ask him to "explain" charges - be discreet, he'll be mad about you snooping and he'll continue to deny but he'll block your access. I'm betting, though, if you bother to take a look, you'll see a pattern.

I hope I'm wrong, but I'd bet good money on it. And knowing may significantly change your approach, especially in so far as decisions about support, moving etc. JUST DON'T confront him yet if you find stuff.......be strategic. Give yourself time to calm down and strategize. Don't share it with your kids or family members - come here first and let us talk you through it.