Maybell X

[Maybell]

Well, I didn't know what to cry over before IC today but I bawled my eyes out in there and I don't feel as tired now so clearly he's helpful.

He says I've put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect this, perfect that, and that I'm expecting the marriage to perform functions that it doesn't need to do. For example, I want my kids to be raised in a two-parent home, and if the marriage doesn't succeed then I'll have let them down. That's unnecessary pressure. The kids need to be in a home where they see two adults relating successfully. H hasn't been participating as a good H in several years and clearly isn't there yet because 95% of his focus is on his work and nothing else. My kids need to see that you don't settle for someone.

He's laid off the whole "walk away" thing and is encouraging me to see what I want from a relationship and what a good one looks like to me. He says that if I left the pressure for the marriage off and just said "would I choose this person if he was new to me" that the answer should only be yes. All of which I knew, but didn't see how it was relating to my anxiety and sleep issues.

My H is not someone I would be excited to date right now. Our lunch last week was nice (probably impacted by the baggage I/we brought to it) but not as fun as an outing to Chik-Fil-A with my SAHD friend. It should be AT LEAST that fun to warrant a second date. Our lunch on Monday would have ruled him out for a second date.

I do not want to do anything to the accounts, house, etc., before spring, so there is time to let this brew. My efforts for the next while will be focused on my job search and figuring out how to manage my house without it killing me. If H shows up and we go out, fine. If not, fine. Thinking too much about him is not healthy for me, and that's clearly the loop I've gotten myself into.

I probably won't stop being an over-poster. I'm sorry. I'll try to give more than I ask for as much as I can. There are many people on this forum who need support and I enjoy being permitted into their lives. Several of you are really special to me and it's a pleasure to see your situations developing.

I'm sorry for being such a wreck, thank you all so much for your words of support.