Here's another thread that was purged and I'm only going to post the first posting so that we can open this up to others to vent, post, etc. I'm very sorry that many of the posters that I referenced are either no longer posting or their threads have been purged over the years.
"TMAK, Paul, Vinland and Buzzy,
I apologize for not getting back to all of you sooner on how reconnection occurs. I am going to provide you w/the last informational tool that is my toolbox and once you have this description, you will have all of the tools necessary to either stand for your marriages or move on w/o your spouses. I obtained all of this information from various depression books, websites, along w/talking to others that have walked through the hot embers of h@ll and managed to save their marriages by trial and error.
True reconnection will not begin to take place until the near the end of withdrawal--going into acceptance. The spouse in crisis will begin to disassociate himself/herself w/the replay antics, i.e., new friends, drinking, etc. They will begin to dress and act like the people you once knew. They will begin to smile a bit and look you in the eyes as well. This will not occur all at once--it's very gradual. He/she will begin to gradually take an interest in their surroundings. They will start to make real contact w/co-workers, old friends (prior to mlc) and begin to take up the hobbies that they once loved. The contact w/their respective parents and family will be noticeable first. Contact w/them will become more frequent and slowly they will begin to take more interest in their children. Their interest in the pets will begin again.
As they start to move deeper into the reconnection, they will then begin to take notice of their former homes and you, the spouse will be the last. I have never understood it, but we are the first in the disconnection an the last for reconnection. The mlcer may find excuses to come to your home or meet w/you to discuss trivial issues. Generally they come around to see where your head and heart are at regarding them. They may even sit down w/you and toss out feelers about some of the things that they have done just to test your reactions. They may even ask you if you have someone new your life. Whatever they ask you, please be honest w/them, but in a very calm way. This is the most frustrating step in the crisis. This is where many of us will and have screwed up. At this step, you are the one that will either make the marriage or toss it aside. This is the time where your mlcer will be testing you to the max to see if you are going to accept him/her for who they are and for what they've done. Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e., in making a decision as to returning home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend. This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins. There will be many times when something breaks or doesn't go right, and they will feel guilty and suggest that they move back out. If you love this person and want them back by your side, do not encourage them to leave again. You will need to reassure them, just as you would a hurt child. I know, it's insane, but this is what you must do.
The board has one very smart and wise lady who is going through the reconnection process w/her xh and she is Never Give Up (NGU). I can't say enough about how she has handled her situation. She has done a wonderful job and she is an inspiration to all of us. I suggest you pull up her name and check out some of her postings. She has the patience of a saint. There are two other wonderful women who went through some tough times and did all of the right things and brought their spouses back home and they are DebM and JeanS. All three ladies deserve the very best.
There have also been questions about the connecting of your spouses during the anger, replay, depression and early withdrawal stages. Please understand that during the stages that I just mentioned, your spouses are going to do touch and gos w/you because they are afraid and very much insecure in letting go of their "old" way of life, i.e., security blanket. M Go Blue or BethM described it as a child in a room that comes running back to ensure that their mother is close by. This is what your spouse is doing. It's not reconnection. In fact, you spouse may even be so confused as to wanting to return home and try again. If he/she does this , and they have not completed the entire crisis, I can almost guarantee that they will run again somewhere within a 2 year time frame. They will not come out of the confusion and irrational behavior until they have gone entirely through all six stages of mlc that were described by Hearts Blessing. When they leave the second time, the heartache is twice as hard to bear because you thought everything was okay and the crisis was over. Please do not drop your guard if they return home while still experiencing the crisis. No matter what, you must continue on w/your lives.
As you, the spouse, continue on w/your life, you will begin to notice the difference between touch and gos and the actual reconnection phase. Just remember, the touch and gos are still replay in progress and he will be still dressing, spending money, not having much contact w/the family, home, etc. When the true reconnection begins, interest in all things will begin, eye contact will be more frequent and they will begin to smile a bit. I hope that BethM will drop by and share w/all of you what she posted over on Vinlad's thread about her knowledge of reconnection. Her explanation was quite good.
You have the best mentor of all in your court and that is M Go Blue. Listen to what he tells you, for he gives excellent advice. There were two things that he instilled in my stubborn brain long ago and they are let it go and drop the rope. I hope that at some point in your journey you will be able to let it go and drop the rope. Once you have determined that you don't have control over anyone but yourself, you'll come to realize that the positives are all there for you. There is one thing that I ask of all of you. While you are on this journey, please do not forget your children. They are hurting and confused as well. Even though you think you are doing a good job of hiding your feelings, they can sense the stress you are under. They are caught in the middle and do not know what to do to make the situation better. My wish is that someone will create a forum for the children to come to if they wish to talk. We adults can take care of ourselves, but the children can't. They are the most important people in all of this mess and they need our help in overcoming this this trauma so that they get on with their lives and not be stunted as they grow emotionally, physically and mentally.
I wish all of you the very best and hope that some day soon all of you will find the happiness that you so richly deserve."
