I am so sorry to read of your hurt over this. You have been such a source of support and inspiration to us, so we tend to forget that the reason you're here is because of your own troubles.
I am not going to go with the flow and say "Time to let her go..." because that's up to YOU to do when YOU are ready.
Personally, I am tired of people telling me the exact same thing, as though they know what's best for me. What no one seems to understand is that it's not so easily done.
There has to be acceptance, resignation...and that doesn't just "happen". It's hard to make everything line up in a nice, neat way that says: "Okay. I've done it. I've let her go."
If it were that easy, not too many of us would be here. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think a lot of people are responding to the length of time you've been keeping that door open for her in one way or another. You certainly can carry a torch, Woman! That's the stuff that romance novels are made of. It's something most of the population can't even fathom. Consider yourself a loyal, persistent--and stubborn (but in a good way)---- Wonka-Woman.
It's clear from what you've written that having some sort of relationship with the former Ms. Wonka is important to you. You have been hoping to create a mutually satisfying friendship, and perhaps she has been as well.
That's not an impossibility, but it might not look the way either of you planned. (No expectations, right?)
One thing I do see is that you have both been making some effort towards that goal. The fact that she wrote you that email says that she is, on some level, desirous of an ongoing connection with you.
It's hard for you to see that clearly because of the gut-level pain that hit you with OW being named over and over as a person of significance.
That clouded most of the rest of it, I'm afraid, understandably so. But read between the lines and see what else is there.
Just redact those OW-name references with that fat, black Sharpie and read it a few more times... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been there, with my first love before GUBU.
I admit, there are times I still have a bit of a gut-response over it, and it still hurts. This was almost 30 years ago now.
There is a book I read, The Untethered Soul and it helped me deal with this a lot.
I learned that what I was reacting to was the rejection, more than my former BF and his OW.
That the real issue was growing up as a little smarty-pants with ADD and Asperger's, where rejection was a huge and consistent part of my development and adult life. A lot of pain there, and I had pushed it way down...
Does my situation with GUBU pull all those strings? You betcha.
Perhaps there is something in your life that is making it harder for you to get to a place where seeing or hearing OW's name isn't such a trigger for bad feelings.
Maybe finding out what that something might be would be helpful for you; not in giving up on a friendship with Ms. Wonka, but in being able to handle a friendship with her if OW continues to be a part of the picture. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sounds like, if you want a R with Ms. Wonka, that OW is going to be a part of that on some level.
You don't have to like it, you don't have to accept it. But it might mean that, unless you find some peace with it, the connection with her won't ever happen.
It will probably always be a source of tension between you, but you can learn to handle it better if you want her in your life.
(Heck, if I can stand there and hear GUBU tell me about OW leaving, and how it is really insignificant, and I can hold it together and not stick an ice-pick in his eyeball, you can suck it up a bit about OW. IF YOU WANT TO.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get the part about values and ethics, and those are mine, too.
This is where the time factor comes into play.
There has come a point where OW is no longer the OW, she is "THE" woman to Ms. Wonka. (For all we know, OW may consider YOU to be the OW--whoooo-eeee!)
That probably hurts to read, but it's the truth.
So even though she was the AP and all that, it's been long enough that the dynamic has changed and the mindset about that has to change with it if you are to have a R with Ms. Wonka.
She has said "We are a package deal. Take it or leave it."
So which is your choice?
(Here I am. I can't even believe I'm trying to clarify things to YOU. But heck, that's why we're here, right?) -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Values and ethics aside, what's really important to you here?
At this point, are your values being compromised? If so--in what way?
We are always told in DB to ignore the OW/OM as much as possible within certain circumstances and work on being the better option. To keep the friendship going with firm boundaries in place.
What could a friendship look like with OW in the picture--for you? For Ms. Wonka?
Just food for thought... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That said--why aren't you like all my (lesbian) sister's friends???
You know, that "I went on a cruise with my girlfriend, and her ex-girlfriend, and her ex-girlfriend, and her new girlfriend- and we all had a great time!" ????? They share houses together on Cape Cod, for Pete's sake!
I always wondered about that dynamic. Everyone getting together for Christmas dinner and Scorpion Bowls at the Chinese place on New Year's Day. I said that the chances of that happening in straight relationships was slim to none. How do they do it?
My sister explained that since they're in a minority, and there's a smaller pool from which to pull friends and lovers alike, if you like each other and enjoy the company, it makes no sense to cut people out unless they are really destructive or toxic. She said you'd "find yourself pretty lonely if you couldn't be around any of your ex's and their new squeezes."
See where I'm going with this?
How has Ms. Wonka done you wrong once you broke up and how important is it to enforce how she "should" behave with respect to your values and feelings?
I don't mean this to come off harsh, if that's how it sounds.
It's me trying to throw a few ideas out there and see if they resonate. It's easier to see things from the outside looking in, but no one can really know how you feel.
But think about your feelings and how well they are serving your goal of a R with Ms. Wonka. Can they be changed to facilitate that, if it's what you really want?
Or is a friendship with Ms. Wonka conditional in that it must exclude OW? That's your choice, too.
Only you can decide what you want and whether it's worth it. Whether SHE is worth it if it causes pain to you.
If she is, then it will probably be up to you--with your superior people skills and laser-sharp wit, not to mention a candy factory---to facilitate this friendship.
She won't be able to handle it as well as you can, if you choose to do so.
Anyhow, sorry to p*ss you off by skinny-dipping without you!
You shoulda been there! You could have brought some Amaretto... and had I known I would have brought some spears, torches... we could have been warrior women spear-fishing by torchlight in the river.
How cool would that be?
xxxxxoooo
----GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
