dawgy, you have to eat -- I learned this the hard way; I went for about two weeks, give or take -- the reason your guts are in a bad place is linked more to nature than it is to your situation (I know it feels like your situation, BTW, but it is not -- it is all nature) --
what is happening physiologically right now is that your brain is asking your body why it is not getting nutrition -- this is causing your body to freak out, which is causing more stress -- in turn, this is making your stomach worse --
if you do not eat, your body will leach nutrition from muscle, fat, etc --- it will do what it takes -- this is putting more stress on your stomach, and making it more upset, and making you weak ...
no fried foods, no pizza, no crap -- chicken, starch, water, and greens worked for me ... buy some dry oats -- in the AM and PM take a shot of it with a glass of water -- after about a week, your stomach will settle -- tastes like shXX, but works
booze is TERRIBLE for a bad or upset stomach -- if you are doing any numbing, that is making things worse right now --- some would say be careful of milk and soda, too --
if you really do not want to eat, or can't, stick with proteins, vitamins, and water (after I figured out what was going on (ie. so sick feeling), I bought those stupid protein bars -- and they worked w/ water).
After about two weeks, my stomach was about back to normal (I had some guilt about this BTW, about feeling okay, that is -- weird, but true). I will tell you that it is my opinion that you have to fix your stomach, or you will have bad things happen to you ...
oh, almost forgot, on the sleep -- same thing: your body is freaking out "why no sleep, you bastard," it's asking. Your doctor can/will prescribe a turkey diner in pill form -- don't recall what the prescription was, but it was safe and not habit forming -- it's tryptophan, I think, but I do not know what the drug is called -- after about a week, I was back to sleeping on my own without issue
hi there -- I think there is a chance I can give some tips. My wife of 20 years told me in September that she was done, so I am 4.5 months into this challenge. We have three little girls and what I thought was a pretty great life. In a period of about thirty minutes everything we had together was no longer important, needed, or wanted.
Right after this happened I tried to find a support structure via forums on-line - just to see what I could do to help my wife work though what she was going through. NOT a good thing to do without researching the site first. My goal is to recover my marriage and the woman I love. You will find several sites that tell you the wise thing to do is go directly from marriage to an attorney. I found these sites bitter and ugly.
So here are the tips, some of which I learned the hard way:
1. try to stop, as quickly as possible, your internal conversation about what you did and when you did it that caused the end of your marriage. As your husband is not talking about what he is thinking, you will have an urge to try to think for him. Then, if you are like me, you will seek validation. This is a death spiral and it will become very, very difficult for you (not him). I think it is the case that your husband and my wife are processing so much right now there is little to no room for us. I am now 100% okay with this, but it took some time and error to get here.
2. ask yourself "do you love <him> enough to be generous and put your hurt aside?" I found this question on another site. I use it when I need to get my head right. It has become my motto -- and it works if you can continue to say "yes!"
3. consider the fact (and I do mean fact here) that whatever you are feeling and mentally processing is not near what he is. I am finding with my wife that she is questioning everything about her life, and I do mean every single thing -- everything. I believe she is in a place much more difficult than I am. I can already list my priorities in order: children, self, house, job. There is absolutely no way she can do this.
4. there is good information on this site about moving on. Understand that moving on does not mean you are leaving your husband, or giving up on your marriage. It simply means, to me anyway, that in order to be strong enough for him, you, and your children you must begin to consider a different kind of life. I have been having fun with this. For example, going on Zillow and seeing how much homes cost in other areas "where I always wanted to be." Even though I know in my heart that I never want to be anywhere other than where she is.
5. Stop talking about the separation with him. As far as I can tell my wife is not processing consequences at all. This was very hard early on, but now I understand it. There is so much emotional turmoil that there is no room to consider what might happen if things progress(ie. for her, things are so bad now how on earth can they be worse).
6. learn patience and learn it quickly! If you can do this and slow your brain down a bit, you will absolutely see glimmers of your husband poking through the crisis. It is absolutely the case that he is in a transition to a new and different life. If you are like me, I wish she had given me the opportunity to like, or hate, the changes -- but she didn't. I am okay with this now.
7. accept the fact that you are now on the outside looking in at the person you love -- for this period of time you are no longer going through life's challenges together. As far as I can tell, the breakthrough will occur when my wife accepts me in the role that I have always had - always there for her, always committed, always believing in her, always ready to battle any challenge.
8. regardless of what things look like, accept that fact that YOU are the support structure during this challenge - for him, the children, and for you. Take strength in this.
9. many sites, including this one, will advise you "to take care of yourself." I find this a little too easily stated. But there are a few things that helped me: eat full and balanced meals which will help settle your stomach; try not to drink too much alcohol, if any at all, as it seems to make you think more, not less, about the issues and they seem to get hazy; stop apologizing for what you like to do -- for example, I love hanging out with the girls, but during this time with my wife I have been told "you do not have enough friends." While I would not say it now to her (it would make things much worse), I now respond to myself "I love hanging out with the girls -- this is what I WANT TO DO."
10. change the things that you think need changing, keeping in mind that what your husband has going on in his MLC has very little to do with you. You just happened to be the other adult in the room when the poop hit the fan.
11. Absolutely, positively, DO NOT try to help heal him. Remember, you are the problem, so helping heal him makes no sense to the person suffering the most (him).
12. Remember that sex is sex and intimacy is intimacy. He is having only sex with his new partner. Real intimacy is what you create over 20 years with a person you love. It is not the other way around ...
dawgy, one more thing -- I found it very, very helpful to help someone else (I think that is one reason everyone stays pretty active on these boards). There is something that makes you stronger by helping someone out of a stage you have already been through (in your case, BD). There are new folks out here everyday -- find one of them and offer some help...because you can help ...
That was an awesome read Canyou . Stuff like this really helps a guy survive . I appreciate this immensly . How long have you been fighting the fight ?
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Canyon, great Pearls of Hard-earned Wisdom. This is my favorite: 2. ask yourself "do you love <him> enough to be generous and put your hurt aside?" I found this question on another site. I use it when I need to get my head right. It has become my motto -- and it works if you can continue to say "yes!"
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Those pearls of wisdom are AWESOMESAUCE. Thanks for sharing them!
Dawgy - thinking of you today, too. Remember to let go, let God take over, and take care of yourself.
I also fall victim to not eating - so I have to make myself. (I went from a size 10 to a size 2 in a stupid amount of time.) Here's my daily food plan:
Yogurt and granola and lots of coffee Salad with meat and avocado for lunch Always have some almonds or cashews on hand for a quick protein snack Apple with peanut butter or almond butter as late afternoon pick me up Meat, vegetable and starch for dinner (good for everyone)
I really don't drink much, but occasionally will indulge in a beer or a glass of wine. Any more and I sleep poorly.
As for sleeping, I took Benadryl for a while to help me get back to sleeping. Anything to start sleep is good for me....the brain has to stop spinning.
Remember - letting her go is kind to both of you. She's got to get to work on herself, and with her gone you'll have a much better chance of working on you.
