It's the truth that hurt, not your post. He's dug quite a deep cavity in the earth with one-after-another bad, terrible, hurtful choices...crawling out may not be in his power.
I did apologize again last night. She did too. Dammit. In a moment of making peace. IDK. Two steps forward and one back...BUT, I told her that we needed to come up with some firm expectations on BOTH sides if she comes with us to NY. Her ego was stroked big time back at school. "Mom, you wouldn't believe everyone who missed me..." In her mind, she sees like the entire campus missing D20. Ego much? Welcome to the world of alcoholism. Grandiosity as a way of life.
I will not waiver. This $2,500 needs to be her problem to fix. She wanted to dip into what's left of the college funds ($5-6000). I said, "No." Pay off the debt, then we can talk about the remaining funds. I think that's reasonable. I also told her that, if she takes care of the $2500, I will work on adding more funds to the this savings.
She said she didn't drink last weekend. She was full of shock that I wasn't full of platitudes for her efforts. I was honest and told her that I have a hard time trusting alcoholics when it comes to their drinking. This is such a slippery slope. I hate this. She needs to be getting the Atta Boys from others in recovery...but, I can't say that. Her sandbox.
I do feel a lot of clarity about my own feelings though. And, it felt good to work through the resentments I was feeling without my tail between my legs. I'm getting better at holding my own with her. And, she seems to fall in line when I do.
She really needs someone who doesn't fall for her B.S. That used to be Smokey's job. They read each other like neon signs. God, I really miss him right now.
I look around and all these years and memories and we are leaving and it just hurts...How can he not see this family that loves him and would be there? How can he choose to turn his back?
He always came back. This time he is choosing the dark instead of the light.
It's not about the marriage anymore or just the two of us...It's more like a family thing...we are all connected and he...I can't express it.
There's this picture of all four of us on a beach...taken about a year before he left. He is about 30 pounds heavier, but joyful and jumping in the air...we all were...one of those family pics where everyone wears white and jumps at the same time. D12 is 7 or 8 and missing two front teeth and D20 looks young and beautiful and we are all smiling and jumping and acting silly.
I offered the photo to Smokey when he moved last year. He turned it down because he couldn't stand to see himself "fat." He only saw himself in that picture...he missed the joy of a family having this joyful moment together.
How sad. How effin sad.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
