I'm still so tired. He may be starting to come around but he's not changing that I can see. He seems to think I'm just sitting here pining away with love for him. I don't feel like I am. I feel like I've been processing a lot of stuff. He gets a LOT of credit for 16+ years and three children, but that's not an automatic in. That's great that he wants to spend time with me and that he doesn't know "in what capacity" but that doesn't mean I have to just take whatever he presents me with.
I put my ring back on as a reminder of what Claire said. Feelings pass and change. Marriage is a BFD. I need to smile more, that's fine. I will try to do better at that. We are a very, very long way from reconciling and I know he has time to make his baby steps. I guess I just want to see that this isn't an effort doomed to failure. I don't want to hook more of the same and I have no reason to think that's not what's on the line.
I feel a little bit badly about that text. But I also feel like I've been VERY taken for granted and I'm not going to reach out to a person who thinks I'm just waiting for him to hold out his hand. He doesn't pay attention to what I'm actually doing. He seems to think that all the silence and distance is his doing when I have my share too that he hasn't even noticed.
I'm trying to reconcile all this with 25years' message about taking the 1st step, the 2nd step, and the 1000th step. I don't disagree, and I'm not unwilling, but I don't know what those steps should be in my situation.
Maybe I'm not ready for this. Maybe I need more time. Maybe I just need to get a good night's sleep and a handyman. I don't know. I wonder if I'll ever not be tired again?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
