I'll Take What's Behind Door Number 3 #8

[Georgiabelle]

Ha! I'm happy to provide some entertainment.

Shining, I didn't want to hijack your thread or anyone elses. I love reading info from the vets like Job, Beatrice, UR, Ellie, and of course Wonka's insight from "the other side." I'm such a nerd. I read everything. I read the encyclodpedias from front to back when I was a kid and haven't changed much in that aspect. Well, except most kids think encyclopedias are a new band created by Disney:)However, I point this out because I am so very logical that I often have an insatiable need to "understand why." I look at my stbxh as a case study now. Not very romantic, huh? I always think of that song "Somebody That I Used to Know" when I see him. So, when I read stuff on this board, I will jump in and analyze, however, I know that it changes absolutely ZILCH in my sitch. I had to let my stbxh go for my own well being and so that I could protect my children as best as possible while still reminding them how much their Dad loves them. Your feeling resonate with me so much so I wanted to share a few thoughts.

I knew something was off a few months before BD. I chalked it up to change in schedules due to h having a new job after not working for a year, him turning 40 and my dad's unexpected death. I was getting snippy too because he didn't do much housework ever, this dropped to a new low level with not even filling the dog's water dish. I was EXHAUSTED and brimming with that evil poison known as resentment.

However, very soon after BD, I started to realize this all had very little to do with me. I would squash that feeling and say, "no it had to be me. We had a ssm and we didn't have much alone time. I did put the kids first, etc." We had dealt with bouts of deep depression before but this one was different. His feelings of anger and disappointment were directed at me AND the kids. This was new so it had to be us, right? Still, that feeling kept coming up that it really wasn't about our M. While my stbxh did not attempt suicide (and I cannot relate to that) , I do know that helpless feeling of watching someone spiral and just stay in a perpetually dark place.

After 2 MC visits, both said our marital issues were totally normal and repairable. S said he didn't want the M to work. They requested to meet him several times by himself. His agitation rose, and he finally said, "cant they see it's all you? You have turned them against me!" It couldn't be him, could it? I told the MC that I didn't think h was in a place to work on the m. H said he wanted to stay in the house. I wanted that too except that I said we would split the bills equally. He told me that was ridiculous. And his behavior became increasingly bizarre and I became concerned for the our welfare.

Shortly after he moved out at my urging, I was watching from afar. Stbxh (we will call him S), has this very carefully orchestrated persona on Twitter. He is a devoted Dad because he tweets and instagrams pics of the kids. He was in a loveless marriage where we both wanted a divorce. We were staying together for the kids. He had been emotionally (haaaaaa!) abused for years and he just suffered through because he loved his kids so much. However, all of this was blocked from people who knew us both. Interesting, huh? Only new 20 something "friends" from work, or that he met on Snapchat or Twitter, or a few from highschool he has seen once or twice in 22 years. He announced he finally was turning into a a person he liked. Really? The most sensitive man in the world who cries at "The Notebook", kids movies, animal videos, etc is finally happy because he walked out on his family? He referred to us as the responsibilities and obligations and that he wanted to live like a college student. Then the epic breakdown a week later with the "I just want someone to love me. I just want someone to want me. I hate myself. I'm stupid." Enter OW. She Start new. Start fresh. She refers to him publicly as her "rescue". Heck she was tweeting stuff about me too. Only thing is that she doesn't know me:)

Friends reached out to me and said "you need to reach out to him." I didn't. And it wasn't because I didn't care. He didn't want my help because he sees me as the problem. It was very challenging because I had always "stuck by him" and "helped him through" his dark times. This is when I truly realized, he did *choose* this and it's time for him to embark on this journey. I am one of those who thinks h will marry OW. She bears an uncanny resemblance to his 1st wife and I think S was deeply affected by her leaving him. It appears he is trying to recapture that. And you know what? If that is what he needs to do then he needs to do it. I will continue on living my life and enjoying the craziness that is in it.

I see you as wanting to remind your h you are there. He knows that. I will be honest-I'm not sure if my stbxh thinks he can talk to me. However, there is no need for me to remind him of that because he is deeply immersed in OW. I don't know if he is on his meds. I know he drinks a great deal now. He never did that prior to getting on his meds. I used to worry about this stuff. Now I don't. It's not mine to deal with although I do have to keep an eye open for the safety of the kids. I don't ask because I wouldn't get a truthful answer anyway. I have the rest of my life to figure out what if any R I am supposed to have with S. And while occassionally that makes me sad, it is what it is.

When I came here, I was fully prepared to *wait* it out and support h through it all. He doesn't want my support or at least not openly. I really commend all that do stand and they certainly should continue to do so until they feel it isn't in their best interests. There is no legal S here-only M or D and finances are important for me and the children. I love reading about reconnections and am always happy for those that do. I also realize that MLC is very real, very destructive, and can only be addressed by the person going through MLC.

So I get the analyzing-I do. Mine is more from a fascination perspective at this point, although I understand you want to "be there" for him. You want to remind him that you love him and you want to R. He knows where you are . How to reach you. It's up to him to do the work. And counseling? He will need a great deal of C and would have to be ready to be honest and do the work. I don't say this to be discouraging, however that is a tall order for a person in crisis. Stbxh went to a C for a couple of visits at the request of OW. He always told me he wanted to address his feelings for oldest S, why he didn't likebeing a father, and his feelings of disdain for the kids. He said he went to see her to talk about "how horrible I was to him and what a terrible person I was." Oh, and I was the reason he wasn't a good father. I just smiled. He is nowhere near ready to address his issues and he may never be. Yes, I rambled to let you know I get it. I do.

Let him go......and look and live fabulously while doing so.