Finding my way - part 5

[Meghan]

I think detaching has been a lot easier without H. around and with other things to focus on. There are still sad days, and some particular things that alternately make me want to cry or punch a wall, but by and large I really am feeling a good deal better. A lot of people have noticed, too, so I don't think it's just me.

Part of it is the ongoing series of revelations that things were just really not that good, even if I pretended and even managed to convince myself otherwise. I still have one at least every few days, and while I realise that I might be tweaking to some things that I normally wouldn't because I'm still upset, by and large I think I'm just getting a clearer of view of what was wrong and, more importantly, what would have to improve if we were going to try to make this work.

I haven't discounted my role in this (not by a long shot), but it's definitely been a lot easier to see some of the places where I was feeling really put upon and how they affected how I engaged with H. It's actually been somewhat shocking to see how easily I transitioned to life on my own since I was taking care of almost everything myself to start with, which is pretty telling in its own right.

Part of me still wants to reconcile, but another part of me sees a lot more clearly how much work that will be. There are a lot of changes that will need to be made on both of our parts, and I imagine there will be quite a lot of really painful work in there. I'm up for it, if it becomes an option at some point, and I definitely think that it could be worth it. But it would take two very open, very committed, very flexible, and very responsible people, and I don't think we're anywhere close to that point yet. Doesn't mean we won't get there, but I also don't really want to sit around in stasis on the off chance that we can get there, particularly when I've started to realise how much I've been missing out on.