Alrighty...let's gather around Molly Ringwald's kitchen table.
I feel like I have been tossed in a rip-roaring ocean storm worthy of a George Clooney and am feeling emotionally spent.
Today was my first day at a new job and I had zero sleep due to the storms that caused a power outage which meant my alarm clock was affected. Didn't want to miss this very important day on MY FIRST DAY. So didn't sleep a wink...probably about 45 mins before the alarm went off at 5:00 am (I had to reset it sometime around 4 am). Grrrrrr.
As you probably can imagine, I was very tired and trying to stay awake for some human services drivel at this new company. Then I had to meet a former colleague afterward to review some transition issues so this woman is somewhat acclimated to this new process.
Before I met with this colleague at a hotel lobby, my smartphone buzzes. Guess what? It was a long response from Ms. Wonka. Tough stuff and I sat outside on an iron/wood bench on a nice, breezy day composing a response to Ms. Wonka. Twice the phone just died on me. Really weird because the battery was full. After the second time it died out on me suddenly and without cause, I said out loud to no one in particular:
Universe, I suppose you're trying to tell me not to send my response to Ms. Wonka.
In my response, I was pretty firm and a bit push back. Lost it all so I am going to take this sign to take a break and really think about how I would respond to Ms. Wonka's email in an authentic way while remaining true to my own truths.
What I am struggling with is that it brought up some anger and old resentments. F*ck how I am supposed to think of how a friendship with Ms. Wonka would look like or whatever when I still have this chalk-on-blackboard reaction to hearing/seeing the OW's name.
For the record, I am not DBing Ms. Wonka nor even contemplating a reconciliation with her. Just that some of the old scabs are being picked at and I am not liking it one bit at all!!!!! GRRRRRRRRR....I was telling myself on the drive back home tonight: "Ok, ok...I have been working on this forgiveness thing and thought I got it down pat. And now this??!! Guess I still need to do some more work on forgiveness" with some deep breaths interspersed between some choice swear words and c'mons.
The one thing that really, really bugs me is how sensitive my deep emotional scar is....it's throbbing with some pain. This leads me to come to the conclusion that deep emotional scars from the betrayal having a front seat to your spouse carrying on an affair with OW/OM remain with you for a long, long time.
I just don't know how to move past it. I work hard at it and think I've got it wrapped nicely with a bright red bow ...and then get SLAMMED with an email out from the left field.
All of this happened when:
-I am on the very first day of my new job -I am seriously sleep deprived -I am trying to get to a new mindset/frame of mind with this new transition
BLAMO!!! This email from Ms. Wonka. Not what I needed today at all.
Back to square 10 to have a chat with my wounded self and figure out a way to respond to Ms. Wonka that contains some hard truths while remained centered in my own integrity.
I do not plan to respond to Ms. Wonka for a while because I need to figure out what the heck is going one and HOW I feel about it.
