KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

Facebook sure does make things awkward! I'm hoping that it will become less awkward in time, when whatever happens in my future happens and word spreads. I posted my cute little kitty pics, and wouldn't you know it but NO ONE made any sort of comment referencing H, other cat, etc. Just "likes" and well-wishes. Goes to show you how we do worry too much about things that never come to pass.

I have a confession - hopefully I'm not the only one that does this, but I find myself fantasizing sometimes about H surprising me with a "I'm such an a-hole, please forgive me, I want to make it up to you" declaration of some sort. Like I went to get my haircut today and found myself thinking "what if he asked the hairdresser to let him know when I get my haircut next... so he could come there and surprise me" or "maybe this meet-up with my friends is just a set-up and he'll be there!" I know it's ridiculous and the liklihood of such a thing happening is very, very low, so I don't know why these thoughts sneak up on me. I guess it's because I still have hope that something will happen to snap him out of this and he'll "come back." Today in general didn't help. I work at a university and it was the first day of classes, which is always hectic and involves a lot of talking (which is really draining for me as an introvert). I had to take the car I just got to get fixed. And when I finally came home, all sweaty and gross, I couldn't get my dress unzipped, and I just wanted someone (preferably H) to be there to help me unzip my dress and talk about my day. The pain is still there. And I'm still having a lot of trouble accepting this. If we had fought a lot, or one of us cheated and it was a deal breaker, or we had some sort of unresolveable huge value difference about something (like one person wanted kids and the other didn't) I feel like I'd be more accepting of a D. But because I don't understand his reasoning or lack thereof, it's still very difficult to "get" it and be understanding/forgiving/not believe he won't swoop in sometime and make everything better. "I'm just not in love with you anymore, see ya" still isn't really sinking in for me, I guess. In theory I get that it may be the only solution he can come up with. In theory I can think about how GeorgiaBelle says that marriage/family/relationships is hard work and some people just can't cope with it or handle it. But in reality it just still makes me shake my head and wonder. I do tell myself regularly that I wasn't a horrible wife, and while I could have done things better, I was not so awful that this had to be the only answer. I was probably pretty good all things considered. But, it's hard for me to reconcile that with what he's done... thoughts do still creep in about how I could have driven him away.