Finding my way - part 5

[Meghan]

Wow - I did not mean to stay away for so long. Things have been busy. Life has been busy.

I don't have much to report on the relationship front. I haven't had any more emails. I didn't wind up replying to the last one - first because I wanted to wait, and then because I mostly forgot about it. I'm okay leaving things for now.

On the life front, things have been largely okay. I've had sad days - today is one, since I seem to have had three nights in a row of dreams about H., with him either leaving me or asking me to come to him so we can work on our marriage together - but the sadness is less intense than it was. There are things that I miss, certainly, like his jokes, and his input into things that I'm thinking about, mostly. There are also still moments where I wonder if I could have tried harder or done more to make things better, and if things could have been different if I had.

But the truth is that life is just now fine and even better in some ways. My parents came and helped me make the apartment feel like home again. I have a new mattress, and it's glorious to sleep in the bedroom, in a real bed, with new bedding and without earplugs. I cleared more things that were his from the apartment - bedding in particular - and it was...well...gross with sweat and grime, and I wondered how I lived with that. The recycling and garbage get taken out every few days, the dishes are done every night, the counters are wiped, and the floor is swept more regularly...AND I don't feel resentful about having to do it. I watch less TV and spend more time knitting, sewing, reading, and just puttering since I actually have the space for activities now.

I'm not sure that I have any great revelations since the last time I was here. I saw my counselor last week and she was pleased with where I'm at. She's noted that my anxiety seems to be a lot better and has suggested that H. was actually contributing a lot to the anxiety - perhaps even more than he was helping me to deal with - because our values were so different and because it seemed like he was doing so little to support me in practical ways. Given how much better I feel, I can't say that the thought hadn't crossed my mind.

For now, the way forward is pretty much the same. Keep making the best life for myself that I can. Make a nice home, keep exercising, get out to see people, and keep busy. Once I'm used to being at work again, I'm hoping to add in some new activities too, hopefully to keep my mind occupied and to keep up with friends and meeting new people. Despite the down moments, by and large this has felt like a good opportunity to figure out who I am and who I want to be again, so I plan to make the most of it.