I struggle with this too. Our D should be final Sept9th and the house I live in is the house stbxh grew up in. Even though he now hates it and says the house is a "sad" place, he will come in, make himself a nap and lie down on the couch.
I do think you can say "I'm so glad you and the kids had a great visit! I am uncomfortable with you coming on the house when I'm not here. I hope you understand."
And he should. However, he may get snippy and say I've been here before, Yada, Yada. Ignore it and just say "I understand. Please know this just makes me feel more comfortable. I'm sure you can respect that."
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks GB and Heather. Those were good responses. I sent:
I am glad you and the kids got together today. They had a good time, but don't come into the house anymore.
He texted: Whatever
I know it sounds harsh, but I do have reasoning as to why I just got to it. First, he does not care what I am comfortable with or not, which was my first thought to put was(but realized it states my feelings more than my boundaries. And he does not care about my feelings nor understand why I feel that way, and that is why I have to get straight to the point).
We really aren't on cordial terms. We aren't on crazy terms either. We have not spoken once since the nuke. He has not been able to grow a pair and face up to anything, so I don't see any reason, at this point, for me to go out of my way for him. I am not rude or mean- indifferent would probably be the best way I try to be and feel. I try my best not to show any emotion. Maybe it could be construed as rude, but... I have not been necessarily friendly, but I have not said anything negative or attacked, or anything like that. I state the facts and that's that.
I feel way better having sent it. I get so annoyed, because I don't want to communicate with him at all. It is just so hard because we have not spoken since the nuke. He made a choice. I don't have to do anything for him as far as I'm concerned. Does it mean I will always feel this way? Nope, but as long as he pretends like what he did is fine and he did not cause catastrophic damage to his family, I have no time for him. I am not just going to go along with is crap just because.... I have always accepted his crap and was there for him. Uhhh... I think he went a little too far here. Not so much, buddy. Don't come into my house. Period. I don't go walking around his when he isn't there. In fact, the first place he lived when he moved out was top secret! He wouldn't even tell me where it was. Not that I would have gone there- I was giving him space. I respected that.
OK, well, day in the life....
Ugh... well anyway, I did have some flowers out that my friends mom sent me (the card wasn't attached). So maybe he's wondering about that??? Probably didn't even notice. He was checking out the new bathroom though. Told the kids I did a good paint job. Was asking them lots of questions, trying to find out what work I, personally, did on it.
My H does/did the same thing. We are more on cordial terms and he has respected me telling him I don't feel comfortable with him coming in the house when I'm not here.
BUT he just walks in like he lives here still when I am here. Still working on this one. I think your replay was fine.
Who knows, maybe his whatever is more of a hurt than a brush off. Time will tell if he listened!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Ats, I just read that in your sich. UGH... I'm glad he listened to you by not coming in when you aren't home. Dang, I guess it's a different story when you are there. Sheesh! You are right... time will tell. I wonder if the kids will see him more now. They haven't done anything with him in months except the football game like two weeks ago and shopping today. It is good for them to see him, except not they will be really busy.
YET... they kids noticed how strange he looked today. Dressed in clothes he NEVER liked and wouldn't wear. They said he looked so weird. Real preppy like. And, he traded the caddy in for a truck. Humph?!
GB, I can't imagine him sleeping on my couch. OMG...
Hi Mighty, My W has come into MY home (she CHOSE to leave it and get her own!) many times when I'm not here and took things that weren't hers to take! When I told her not to come here as it's no longer her home but mine, she said "It's still my house until the D is final". Oh, so since we're still M, then I should just be able to walk into HER rental and take whatever I want? Oh, no. That's HER home. Just like teenagers, they see themselves as above any "rules". They do whatever they want to do and get offended and angry if called on their actions. I had to have my lawyer file an order with the court keeping her out! Even after that she still has come and taken things like the kids savings bonds and birth certificates without my consent or knowledge. Worse yet she brought her father and step mother who she knows I cannot stand and would NEVER allow into my home!
I suggest you make this a firm boundary. He may balk at this but at least in my state, you can get an order that they can't enter unless they are with a "disinterested third party" (which can mean a sherif's deputy) and tell you ahead of time. I thought about changing the locks but I would need to give the key to my D14 and she wouldn't just not let her mother in (and shouldn't be put into that position). The last time she came when I wasn't here my D14 called me to let me know without my W's knowing because SHE was smart enough to know it was wrong!
Always remember...they have no normal morals. They will do whatever THEY feel they want and feel so entitled it's like a 4 year old with power! I would check that there's nothing missing that he may have felt "entitled" to having. I may be wrong but I wouldn't put it past him!
Well, today, it ALMOST felt like the tables had turned...er... maybe things shifted a little. Really, nothing changed, but sometimes when you mind changes ever so slightly, it can make a world of difference. This is for the simple fact that you either feel differently, or just view things from a different perspective, or both!
I love feeling in control and having my power. I despise that xh ever had control over me. There should have been more respect than that. For many months, my emotions were in shambles. Truly, detaching makes all the difference. Newbies (if any of you are reading this, do yourself a favor and detach as quickly as possible!) For me, it was a process. I did detach, but some things were just too difficult to totally remove myself from. But I have to say, recovery time became less.... OK, I digress... (Or as my dad would say, I am incredibly talented for making a "short story long.")
Soooo.... Since I texted xh last night to keep his cheating, lying, self-serving, manipulative, ego-centric, controlling, selfish, immature, repulsive, greedy self out of my house (ummmm.... ok, so I didn't exactly say that...) I feel better. The fact that he, for once, couldn't try to turn it onto me, somehow, was icing on the cake. What could he say? "Whatever" Hmm.. that's cool.
I realize I will not receive any type of medal for showing him who's boss, but I did not resort to the above name-calling or ignorant stuff, and I did not go out of my way to be friendly to someone who does not deserve my friendship. Boop!
So today, I got a text from the above stated honey-pie. He sent if from work, OF COURSE! He said he got a recall letter for my car yesterday and to "...Make sure you make an appointment. It think it is regarding..."
OK, so... first off, he got that in the mail yesterday, I know that for a fact. And again, he did not text me until the next day from work. You know, he can just forward the mail... whatever (probably not because he always opens it.)
What the heck though, "Make sure you make an appointment"??????? What do you care???
Here is where I felt like he must have felt over the past (almost) year. I felt so in control last night after sending that and him not really able to respond. I know it seems so stupid and minimal, but I set a boundary and what can he say about it? It's not like he has any right to argue it.
So then when he texted me today about the car, I just said, "K- thanks." Normally I ignore, but I just don't want to seem totally rude. It's a fine line, I think.
Then it was like I had a moment of realization. This must be how he felt. By thanking him, or acknowledging him, I felt like I gave up a little power. I hate to say that I felt like I had the "upper hand" but I don't know how else to describe it. It is almost like when you hear them lure you in so they can push you away. By a simple, "thanks" it was like being too nice... OMG, that is so crazy, right?
I don't want to play games! I have been focused on my own emotions, but I guess when we feel like their craziness can't affect us, we have a sort of power (wait- lemme speak for myself). I wasn't trying to have power over him, and the reality is that I know I have NONE! But, I think I understood with a little more clarity how they may feel. It does not break the connection, it's always there. But the emotions are what are up and down. And no matter how much you push them away, it does not disconnect you. However, it is the pushing away that actually makes you feel good, but it is only temporary, because the connection is always there and the next emotions/situation will be around the corner waiting to twist around again.
I may just sound like a crazy person.... maybe no one can follow... maybe no one cares.... We learn what we can, we know what we know, but feeling things and changing things makes all the difference.
Mighty, I can follow… and I care… and I don’t think that you are a crazy person (even though I think this about myself in a similar situation, LOL.) I have the same issues, you can tell by my posts. I contemplate before I respond to H’s communication which became very seldom recently. Every time I ask a question on this board, Job gives me an advice to be polite and treat H like I would treat a friend. But, in my sitch there is no OW.
You situation is different. But I still think that by being polite and saying simple “thank you” you convey a message that you are a better person and that you are going on with your life just fine.
Yes, the connection is always going to be there. It seems like your xh is trying to keep some kind of control on you. Or, maybe he just wants you to be around. Like my H, who said that he didn’t want to completely lose me, he was just not in love with me. Even our mutual friend has commented that H had this crazy idea in his head that we will be the best friends.
I have this feeling that you will become OW to your xh in a few months, when the grass dies on the other side, LOL.
You are still in control, Mighty!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Sometimes, it is so hard to imagine what our lives must look like from the outside. I know everybody has "stuff" but my God!
New development... can't even get into it yet. Too frustrating.
Sooooooo..... I will just recap on my past few days.
Things have been OK. I have had high highs and low lows. Sometimes I think when xh was on his way to a new universe, he sucked me off from Earth and left me in outer space. And there I am... floating around in outer space.
Friday was a beautiful day. One of the nicest days in a long time. I woke up excited that both of my kids would be having their fist official game of the school year. They were both away games, but with the times slotted, I would be able to make it to both.
I love watching my kids play high school sports. It is one of my favorite things to do. Yet, as I was getting up Friday morning, thinking about my day at work and seeing my kids play in their games, I couldn't shake this sick feeling. Already- the anxiety. I knew I'd see xh. Things aren't like some peoples' sitch, where there is regular interaction. My kids are teens and they communicate with their dad without my involvement. So, as you are aware, I still haven't spoken with xh since nuke. There have been some text messages- always initiated by xh. If I need to respond, they are short and to the point. I have noticed that now I get them about every 2-5 days for the past few weeks. That's it though. Nothing exciting, and nothing really pertinent. But, whatever.
So, it was tough. I was upset. Seeing xh is very rare for the past couple months. Only a handful time since nuke, and it was from far away. It will be more now that the football and volleyball are picking up for the kids. How terrible is it though that the one thing I love to do, watch my kids play sports, is so tainted by this situation now. I was so upset Friday. Here it was, the opening week of school sports, my son's senior year, my d made hs sports as a jr high student. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was just all wrong. I left work and headed out of town to d's game. I then headed to another town to s's game. I had a little bit of time in between. I was thinking that we should be enjoying this. Maybe going to dinner between, watching both kids- as parents- together. But it wasn't like that. I saw xh at d's game, went alone to s's game. Sat in parking lot by myself for a bit. I don't mind being alone, but I think it bother me when I realize that it bothers other people. I didn't really see anyone else there alone. It wasn't till I started looking around that I noticed that I was alone. My only thought was that it wasn't right not being together as a family. Hadn't really noticed the fact that there wasn't anyone with me. Does that make sense? Do I ever?
Anyway, it seems to make other people uncomfortable. Being by myself does not bother me. Not having my family in-tact does. The fact that we SHOULD have been there together bothered me.
But they had to stop the football game just before halftime because of lightning.
I went back Saturday to watch. I don't think xh went to either of s's games. I went out for a little on Sat, too. I called a gf on my way home. I just did not want to spend another night in the house doing the same thing. When I got home, I almost changed my mind. But she was ready, and we went for a bit.
Sunday I took d to the Lorde concert. It was pretty cool. She is one talented 17 year-old. It's hard to believe she is so young. She was very humble and has a great voice.
So I had to see xh at d's game tonight too. He was late, as usual. I figured it out. He has been late for the past few months. Now I figure he is going to p/u hww's son from her mom's after work (they must ride together now) and taking them home before going. Well.... the priority... her kid. He is always late for d. He missed her first match, which she was in, and was awesome.
It's so dumb. It's his loss. He is crazy- picking up another man's son when he could be with his own kid. Dummy.
So when he came in, he walked right up the bleachers right next to me and past. I thought he went up further behind me. It was weird he walked right up next to me- there is a whole gym!!
It wasn't until almost the end that I realized he went to the row right behind me and over just a little bit. He was right there! WTF! There was tons of room elsewhere.
S came at the end when his practice was over. He sat next to me and said "hi" to his dad. S was so sweet to me and made me laugh. S and I were leaving, and went to say bye to d, bc she had to stay for varsity game. I turned around and h was right on my tail. He was right behind me... again! He was trying to talk to d as I was telling her to call me when it was done. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. But it seems like he is always trying to make eye contact or something. (opposite of before...) Now, I can't even look at him. I could just see in passing the it seemed like he was always looking- like directly at me- like waiting for me to look back. Weird.
I jetted- so outta there. I had to leave like a tree, split like a banana, you catch my drift. (Yup- total dork).
I noticed when turning to go towards my street, he was behind me- going straight to his new house down the road. I hate that.
BTW- he got rid of the caddy. Got a p/u truck. HERE is ANOTHER weird thing..... (drum roll, please)
He got the same type of truck he had before caddy. AND he said he would never get that kind again, b/c the quality wasn't up to par. He also said he would never get a black vehicle again bc it was too hard to keep clean (he is obsessed with cleaning his cars). Can you guess what he got???? and its color??? Seriously?
