Thanks AJ, Funny thing about why I'm not 'happy" about W leaving..SHE actually said pretty much the same thing during one of her more "lucid" times post B-day. She said that I will probably find out that I'll be much happier without her. I guess it's just that I saw (see?) her depression as something that she has no control over and that, if she could just find a way to get her head right, whether it be the right AD's or IC or whatever, she could go back to being the loving, kind, caring person she was before the depression set in. Before she became depressed, while she was a stay at home mother, she was really a great partner and W. She really seemed to enjoy the time she spent with me and the kids. She didn't let her father interfere in our lives. I remember those years and thinking how lucky I was to be married to my best friend. It all started when her grand father died (the only steady male figure in her life after her father left when she was 10) and her father asked her to come and help with his memorial service. She was there for a month and was a changed person when I went up to join her. That was when her father told her that he wanted to make up for all the bad things he had done. Unfortunately, he also would only do so on HIS terms, those being that she stop "wasting" her life as a stay at home mother, he also wanted her to leave me and the kids for MONTHS to take her on a trip to Europe. It was also the summer before our youngest started 2nd grade and my W was feeling like she was isolated as a stay at home mom and she was home alone as both kids were now in school.
It was a "transition" period for her and we all know how MLC's don't handle transitions in life well at all. A little more than a month after returning from that trip and my W was diagnosed with her depression. She has never been able to recover from this. For 3 years she was unable to do much and when her IC told her she should go back to work that's what she did. Of course she threw herself into work completely and totally stopped being a wife and a mother and instead making her work the important thing in her life. This was also what her father wanted and he would tell her that it was fine for her to not vacation with her family, to let me take care of the kids and everything as what was important was her "career" and "happiness". The harder I tried to get her to be a part of the family again, the harder she pushed back.
When I would talk to her she would say that the depression was like a cloud that followed her around always ready to grab her and bring her down again. She had to keep running, keep throwing herself into her work to keep it at bay. When her father got cancer and she thought he was going to die (he had 1/2 his liver taken out) it made her feel like she was out of time to "make up" with her father and the MLC started in full.
For the longest time I felt that my W was just "sick". That her depression was no different than if she had cancer or something and I should be a good H and help her all I could. There is still part of me that feels that way still, like her MLC is more a product of her depression (and her fathers chit) than anything else. I will say as she has gone farther and farther and pushed things so far past the point of no return, I'm believing this less and less.
We were together for 26 years, all this started 7 years ago. So, the good years still out number the bad 2 to 1. But I now am getting to the point where I can see that the old her is so much less a part of who she is now. I'm also very tired after so many years of trying to be there for someone who just can't be happy in life. She won't get help for her depression other than AD's and has told me that all she needs is to get out of her M and she will be "happy" again (going so far as to say she will be able to stop taking AD's once she leaves...her Dr. said so!). That she wasn't depressed until after she got M so figures that the answer is to end her M, be on her own and doesn't care how she hurts me, her kids, her family, etc.
You make a really good point AJ. I do need to start seeing her leaving as a blessing as I will be able to stop being the care giver, stop having to put up with her chit. But at the same time she is the mother of my kids. One that will be with her 1/2 the time for the next 4 years. At least while she was still at home I could be there and know that my D's were taken care of, had someone there when they needed someone. But I also have to just let that go as well and know that my D will need to learn to take care of herself and make sure she knows I am always there for her, even if I'm 30 miles away.
